Ten MORE Books That Drive Students Nuts

A few weeks back, we talked smack about ten works of literature that inflict varying degrees of brain pain on unsuspecting students. Based on the hundreds of Sparkler comments we received, it seems we struck a nerve, as many of you were also quick to dis English-class faves such as A Tale of Two Cities, Walden, and The Grapes of Wrath. The problem with classics of this sort was summed up by queenlexi3:

“i also hate old fashion books that take forever to understand cuz they can describe a green chair for 5 pages straight if they wanted to, it’s like GET TO THE MAIN EXCITEMENT! I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT A DAMN CHAIR.”

Point taken, although sometimes we do care about chairs.

Of course, your comments also were insightful because they identified all the soul-destroying books that we left off our last list. Those volumes will not go unvilified, however. We’ve used your excellent responses to call out ten MORE books that make you want to, in the words of mochalatte7362, “stab [yourself] in the eye with a pitchfork.” Here we go!

The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
Sparkler comment: “You forgot to put The Scarlet Letter on your list. By the end, I wanted to scream at Dimmesdale, “Just die already! Put US out of our misery!!!” — bookworm656
Our take: Every student who's forced to read this book wears the letter “A” for “Annoyed.”

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky
Sparkler comment: “There’s the first 100 pages, which is the crime, the middle 300 pages are about the main character not being able to decide if he should confess or not, and then the last 30 pages are the punishment.” — saragasswoll
Our take: Dostoevsky’s mammoth novel makes students feel like they are being punished. And their only crime is going to school.

Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
Sparkler comment: “Also, got reaaaally tired of Romeo and Juliet. Was I the only one to see they weren’t some ‘great’ love, but two whiny teenagers?” — Cooper1994
Our take: According to the text, Juliet is a mere 12 years old, making the entire play seem like a bit of an overreaction. At least wait until you go through puberty before killing yourself in the name of love.

Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Sparkler comment: “Lord of the Flies is a boy book and I don’t think it should be inflicted on the rest of society.” — T_Pierce
Our take: It’s just like LOST, except Golding thankfully figured out how to end it.

The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway
Sparkler comment: “To quote South Park: Man goes fishing. Man catches fish. Shark eats fish. Man goes home.” — hnhs2010
Our take: The only thing more boring than actually going fishing is reading a book about going fishing.

Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad
Sparkler comment: “All I could say was that when Kurtz utters his famous “the horror, the horror” line, he was actually describing the book.” — Puffpanda
Our take: The language in Heart of Darkness is as dense as the jungle of the Congo, and by the end you’re ready to hack it up with a machete.

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
Sparkler comment: “Pip, seriously, just freaking get over Estella already and spare yourself the misery! Estella fricking hates you! And Ms. Havisham… just stop with the mourning over your almost-husband… it’s plain pointless. Doesn’t make your life any better, does it? God! And get some sunlight too…”
— XlivelaughloveX
Our take: For many students, Great Expectations is their first encounter with a so-called "big" novel. Everything is peachy for the first 100 pages — Pip hangs out in a graveyard, befriends a convict, and develops a wicked crush — but by page 250, many readers ask their teacher, "Is it your great expectation that I will actually finish this thing?"

The Call of the Wild by Jack London
Sparkler comment: “The story is about a dog who has been constantly oppressed, and [SPOILER ALERT] eventually ends up dying. How uplifting.” — Yakotik2
Our take: Buck would be a lot wilder if he wore sunglasses and turned his dog house into a fighter plane.

The Awakening by Kate Chopin
Sparkler comment: “They should rename it ‘The Sleeping.’ Because that’s what my class was doing.”
— ProjectKris
Our take: The description of the actual awakening in Chopin’s novel is so subtle, so exquisite, and so understated that we completely missed it.

Moby-Dick by Herman Melville
Sparkler comment: “How do you have 135 chapters and not bring the whale in until chapter 133?”
— tjholder41
Our take: Worth reading if you want to know the origin of Starbucks’ name or you enjoy interpreting phallic symbols—there's the whale, the ship’s mast, Ahab’s wooden leg, and the harpoon. Hmm, what do you think Melville had on his mind?

Is our list of most reviled books finally complete?