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Blogging Twilight: Part 4

Blogging Twilight: Part 4

SparkLife contributor Dan Bergstein is reading Twilight and blogging about it.

Catch up on the first installments here.

Chapter Five

At lunch, Edward stares at Bella in the cafeteria and beckons her over to sit with him.

They talk for a bit. She describes his eyes as "ocher" on two separate occasions in this chapter. It's a strange word. I'm assuming author Stephenie Meyer ran out of other ways to say "dreamy, sexy gold." Or maybe she has thousands of ways to describe his eyes, but she's saving them for another book, entitled Edward's Eyes Thesaurus.

Edward and Bella seem to be striking up a friendship. But he's quick to say, "I'm warning you now that I'm not a good friend for you." How coy! We all know that he's not a good friend because he's a vampire. But Bella hasn't figured that out yet. So when he calls himself a bad friend, she must assume this means he cheats at bowling, forwards those annoying chain-letter emails, or spoils movie endings.

Bella then stares at Edward's ocher eyes, and says she's trying to figure out what he is, exactly. Among her theories: he's a superhero. Of course, instead of just saying, "I couldn't decide if he was Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker," she says, "I had been vacillating during the last month between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker." It should be noted that no one has ever used the word "vacillating" when talking to themselves. It sounds like an air-conditioning term, or something Mr. Burns would say.

Their conversation continues, and Bella gets frustrated that Edward is being sly about his true self. All of this could have been avoided if she'd done what I do when confronted with a super-sexy member of the opposite sex who has mood disorders: I simply ask them bluntly, "Are you a vampire?" and "Can I kiss your mouth?"

The conversation drops to a sexy whisper. Bella says that Edward isn't bad. He whispers back, "You're wrong." For fun, I recommend reading this conversation as if Bella and Edward are screaming their quotes. It's also fun to add "dumb ass" to the end of every one of their lines of dialogue throughout the entire book. Try it yourself!

Bella realizes she's going to be late for biology, and Edward tells her he's skipping class. We quickly learn why: The biology teacher is requiring the students to prick their fingers to determine their blood type. In this age of AIDS education, I find it unlikely that bloodletting would be assigned in the classroom. Perhaps this teacher will also conduct biology labs called "Everybody Smoke," and "Let's Find Out What Knives Taste Like."

At the sight of blood, Bella gets squeamish and nearly faints. Mike offers to take her to the nurse. As they walk to the other building, two things happen. First, Bella needs to lie down on the cement. And second, I realize that whoever built this school in rain-drenched Washington was an idiot. Build a damn hallway. Or tunnels. Also, from what I gather, this is a pretty small school, so why does it feel like Penn State University as the kids walk from building to building?

Edward, who has been chilling in his car, listening to music, spots Mike and Bella, and offers to take her the rest of the way to the nurse. Mike gets angry, but doesn't put up too much of a fight. Edward carries the limp Bella to the nurse.

Bella feels a bit better, but then realizes she has gym next period. Edward charms the nurse into letting him take her home for the rest of the day. Before getting to the car, Bella asks Edward if he's going to the beach party this weekend, but he says he isn't. I'm with Ed on this one. Beach parties in cold, rainy weather are like wiping your nose with a damp tissue.

On the ride home, Edward listens to classical music. Guess what? Bella likes classical music, too! They talk about her family, and he asks if her mother would approve of her dating someone scary. And then he says, "Do you think that I could be scary? (dumb ass)" To which I reply yes. Anyone can be scary if given a hatchet and clown makeup.

Edward drops Bella off at her house. He doesn't bite her. And the chapter ends.

Prediction: Bella vacillates. During the vacillating, an enemy tries to shoot her in the head, but a stranger leaps in front of the bullet, saving her life. Before dying from the gunshot wound, the brave hero looks up into Bella's eyes and hears her whine, "Who are you? Eww blood. Where did you come from? You're so difficult. I wish you didn't save my..." and then the stranger dies. Bella mutters under her breath, "Thanks...I guess."

Want more Dan on Twiligh? Here you go.

Topics: Books
Tags: twilight, blogging twilight, cartoons

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