Here at SparkNotes, we've been mining for Rockstar Sparklers - real readers with so much wit and wisdom that they deserve your attention (and an A in English, got that Mrs. Johnson?). We love this post that came from Sparkler AllisonJY. Enjoy! -SparkNotes Editors
I am, as I am often told, the queen of demolition. Objects, people, my forte lies in destroying them. Oh, and occasions. ESPECIALLY OCCASIONS. Like perhaps, a first date.
So, if you want to join the local "Over 30 and Never Been Kissed" club in future, read on.
TEN WAYS TO SPOIL A FIRST DATE
1. Ask your date out one month in advance. Chances are that he's cut his hair/grown a mustache/become disfigured by the time you finally meet him. The expression of horror on your face will be enough to kill the romantic mood.
2. Gorge yourself on snacks before you leave your house. This will possibly lead to a bloated stomach. In attempts to cure yourself, fart nonstop.
3. Have a panic attack while you prepare for your date. It is guaranteed that you will end up breathing into a paper bag, ruining your makeup and giving yourself patchy skin, which will make you resemble your dog, who has incontinence.
4. Use too much hairspray. Results vary, but most like, you'll look like you're wearing a space helmet. Expect your parents to ask you which planet your date is from, because they're PARENTS, and parental humor is...well, you know.
5. Show up late, sweating and subsequently smelling like a pig. Because we all know how attractive wet armpits are.
6. Have your date turn up even later so both of you would be banned from going in to the performance until intermission. 'Nuff said about this one.
7. Then tell him you don't feel like waiting, and suggest watching a movie at the nearby mall, ignoring his wishes. Insensitivity is always the best in this case.
8. Go down to the movie theater and realize that the movie both of you want to see isn't showing. Suggest another movie and have your date ignore you.
9. Walk into the mall three steps ahead of him, resolutely ignoring him. Everyone loves being ignored!
...and the kicker?
10. Walk out on your date and go home to a bunch of berating female relatives who seem to delight in telling you that you're a complete failure in the romantic department.
You ask, how am I sure of all these? Well, like I said before, I'm an expert at destroying things. There's also the fact that I'm really, really smart.
...And, of course, all of these happened to me last night.
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Topics: Life
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