WTF Files: Every Touch is a Bad Touch!

Hey, Tiger, why the long face? Monday got you down? Midterms stressing you out? Mom and Dad just don’t understand you? Auntie SparkNotes knows how you feel, you poor dear. But before you throw yourself a pity party and call yourself a waaaahmbulance, just remember this: When the going gets tough, you can always get a smooch from your SO, a hug from your bestie, or a high-five from your boys to soothe the senses and calm the nerves.

Oh, that is unless you’re a student at East Shore Middle School in Connecticut, where nobody is allowed to touch anyone else.

According to the local news, East Shore principal Catherine Williams has instituted a school-wide ban on physical contact of any kind, with penalties of detention, suspension, or expulsion in store for any kid who dares lay a finger (literally) on his peers. The new rule comes in response to an unfortunate groin-kicking incident that sent a student to the hospital.

We at SparkNotes feel for that poor kid, of course, and we wish him a speedy recovery. But as for the new rule, well, WTF?!

This ban applies to all touching, from hugs and handshakes to high fives and horseplay. Which means, in theory, that a girl who gives her best friend a shoulder to cry on after a bad day will get the same punishment as a guy who runs around kicking freshmen in the face.

Ah, East Shore Middle School. You are truly a shining beacon of logic, sanity, and restraint in these dark times of ours. You deserve a pat on the back!…Oh, right. Sorry.