The Worst Sex (Education) in History

Florida's bay area is experiencing a huge increase in STDs, with rates of infection among teenagers nearly doubled since the 1990s. It's a statistic that doesn't make any sense (didn't we just hear that you guys are having less sex these days?) except that Florida is one of the many states that began teaching abstinence-only sex education about, oh, ten years ago.

Wow, weird coincidence, huh?

Most people would look at these stats and conclude that abstinence education—which has been criticized for, among other things, misrepresenting the effectiveness of condoms in preventing pregnancy and STDs—is neither effective nor educational. But for fans of abstinence education, not even an army of syphilis-infected 14-year-olds proves that their programs don't work. Boy, would I love to be a fly on the wall at those school board meetings:

Board Member #1: Bill, I just don't understand it. We've had our abstinence education program in place for ten years, but kids are still doing it!

Board Member #2: I know! They're... they're... sexing each other! All the time!

Board Member #1: I mean, what more do they want? We told them not to do it!

Board Member #2: We did! We told them specifically not to sex each other! It's like they aren't listening. What are we supposed to do now?

Non-Clueless Board Member: Maybe we should expand the program to include some information about condoms.

Board Member #1: No way. Are you crazy? You know what will happen! First you show them a condom, and the next thing you know, they're running all over the place with their dingles and hoo-has hanging out!

Slightly Less Clueless Board Member: Dingles and... do you mean “penises” and “vaginas”?

Board Member #1: I will not tolerate language like that at this meeting!

Slightly Less Clueless Board Member: But those are the scientific term—

Board Member #1: Enough! Look, how about this: let's just go back out there and tell them not to have sex with each other. Except this time we'll say it, like, really loud.

Board Member #2: Great idea. Really, I don't understand why they're having such a hard time with this. Just don't have sex! That's it! How hard is it to just not have sex?

Board Member #1: I don't get it either, Bill. Abstinence isn't so hard. I mean, my wife hasn't had sex with me in years.