How To Handle Teachers In Public

It's hard to believe, but teachers have lives outside of school. What's more, the world is small enough that on any given weekend, you have a 63% chance of seeing a teacher out in the wild. When you spot such a teacher, your mind will begin to melt, causing confusion. A typical mental response would be:

There's Mr. Jones. What do I do? Oh my gosh! He's wearing shorts. Mr. Jones has knees? Say something to him. Don't say something to him. Hide! Don't hide. Call out his name. Run! He has knees! What do I do? What do I do?

And then you'll probably get a splitting headache as your brain attempts to compute all the information. Luckily, we on the SparkNotes staff have developed some helpful tips and hints you can use in the event that a teacher comes out of his or her subterranean dwelling.

1. Keep still. The first step is to do nothing. As much as you do not want to deal with Mr. Jones today, he feels the same way towards you. A teacher out in public is like a honey bee just trying to get things done. Disturb him, and he might sting. (By sting, we mean say something embarrassing to you.)

2. Make the first move. In some situations, interaction may be inevitable. Perhaps you accidentally bump into him, or are standing behind him in a line. This is when things get more complicated. Say something, and say it fast. If you're the first to speak, you'll gain the upper hand in the conversation.

Phrases to try:

"You look exactly like a teacher I know."

"This is a bad dream, right?"

"Hi."

Phrases to avoid:

"You have knees?"

"Can you buy me beer?"

"Tag, you're it!"

"Grrrr."

3. Chit-chat. After your opening remarks, a very general, vague conversation will ensue. The good news is that the conversation will last no longer than 132 seconds. The bad news is that this will be the longest, most uncomfortable 132 seconds of your life. But you'll survive.

4. Prevent the disaster from reoccurring. After the dialogue, you'll both go your separate ways, as you quickly text the world about Mr. Jones's knees. But be warned: After a conversation is over, you run the risk of seeing the teacher again, in about ten minutes, at a slightly different location. (Usually the parking lot.)

To avoid the dreaded "Second Sighting," we suggest hiding in a bathroom for about an hour. This will ensure that the coast is clear, and then you can go about your shopping without that awful, "I-might-have-to-make-small-talk-again" feeling in your gut. Of course, depending on your gender and the gender of the teacher, there's always the possibility that the teacher will use the same bathroom you're in. In that case, abort the mission, bolt out the door as fast as possible, and get the hell home.

Meeting teachers out in the real world is among the most frightening experiences a high school student can have that doesn't involve spiders. We hope these tips and tactics will help ease the painful process. Should you have unanswered questions or concerns on the topic, stay inside during the weekend. You're just not ready.