The Terrifying Trend That Never Was

Hey, guys! Remember last year, when Tyra Banks said that teenagers were having too much sex, and everyone immediately freaked out about the big, scary, Teen Sex Epidemic?

Um, yeah, about that.

It turns out that The Screeching of Tyra Banks is actually not equal in reliability to, say, The Word of God. This according to the New York Times, which reports that rates of sexual activity among teenagers are actually on the decline:

"Today, fewer than half of all high school students have had sex: 47.8 percent as of 2007, according to the National Youth Risk Behavior Survey, down from 54.1 percent in 1991."

Well, wow. Do you know what this means?! Statistically speaking, the cast of the old 90210 had the new cast beat by a whopping 6+ percentage points in the sex-having department. This despite the fact that the new cast a) are much better-looking, and b) don't wear those hideous high-waisted jeans.

Which is, of course, a very serious problem.

See, having panic attacks about The Corrupt State of Today's Youth has been a favorite pastime of older generations since the beginning of human history. And as long as you guys aren't running through the schoolyard with your pants around your ankles while simultaneously stealing cars and smoking crack, you're leaving adults with no choice but to. . .to. . .think of you as capable, fully-functional young adults! Thus throwing the entire world into a state of chaos! Are you mad?
One of you had better go rob a bank RIGHT NOW, before all this mature decision-making brings on the apocalypse.