Warning: reading while tired is proven to be a dangerously ineffective way to study. Reading while tired can lead to confusion, bookmark stasis, facial bruising, and paper cuts on your eyebrow. The following essay is a re-enactment showing what might happen if you try to read while tired. It is designed to scare you into going to bed early. Please do not try this at home.
Sometimes you need to triage your homework, because there is just so much of it. On those nights you might choose to do your reading homework last, because there is nothing you have to write down, and therefore it seems easier than the other stuff. This seems like a good idea until you find your eyes going over the same this seems like a good idea until you find your eyes this seems like a good idea until you find your eyes find your eyes find your eyes going over over over over over the same sentence over and over again. Phew.
Would you rather lug a 50-pound baritone sax on and off the school bus twice a day for four years, or put on a sparkly vest every weekend and strut around on a stage doing “jazz hands”? Most people know without thinking about it which camp they fall into. But if you’re undecided, this quick-reference pro/con list will help you make an informed decision.
Bathroom graffiti is a part of high school life, no matter what kind of school you go to. But you know you’re going to a really good school if the bathroom graffiti looks like this:
Sparklers, winter is fast approaching! For many of you, this will mean changes in your wardrobe. But tread cautiously: there are many disturbing garments you'll need to avoid. For example:
Dickeys. These are turtlenecks that are not turtlenecks. Here’s how it works: when worn under a sweater, a dickey looks just like a real turtleneck. But when you take off the sweater: surprise! The dickey stops below the collarbone. Yikes! There is something scary about this. If you love dickeys and yet you don’t want to freak out your friends, just be sure to wear yours on a day when you don’t have gym class.
What’s the worst grade you’ve ever gotten? Did that grade ruin your life? Well, after you read our handy guide to grade rationalization, grades will never ruin your life again.
A+ This grade requires no rationalization. You simply cannot do any better, so go about your day and bask in your victory.
We admit: we kinda forgot. How were we supposed to know? Nobody talked about it this time. We don’t remember seeing any news coverage, and so when we woke up and saw the time on the microwave (which was five minutes before we were supposed to be at the farmers market picking out pork shoulders) we freaked out. And then when we saw the time on our cell phones, which changes automatically through invisible air waves that we cannot understand, we were greatly relieved.
Many of you are going (or have gone) to Homecoming with that Special Person, the Love of your Life, the person who makes your heart turn inside out and float around somewhere just out of reach of your body. That’s cool.
And some of you are going with friends (fine) and some of you have better things to do than hang around in the semi-darkness in your high school gymnasium (also fine), but there is a subset of you out there who are going, but not with a “date date.” You’re going with someone who you may like very much, who is a terrific person inside and out, someone who has terrific hygiene, makes eye contact, and uses proper grammar. You just don’t happen to feel like kissing this person at the end of the night. It doesn’t matter why. It’s just how you feel. But as this person’s date, what you WILL be doing is a slow dance or two.
Sometimes your locker won’t open. 10-14-26. 8-15-30. 23-36-27. Whatever your combination is, it’s just not working right now. You’re locked out of your own world of stuff. You feel your anger simmering like Mt. St. Helens in 1980. You try the combination over and over again, yet the lock stays clamped shut. You start to doubt yourself. Was that really the combination, or did you just imagine it? Also, are you smelling burned toast? Because that can be the sign of a small stroke.
Maybe it’s 12-40, not 40-12? And then you do it again and—rattle rattle rattle rattle—it’s still locked. Tick tick tick tick tick. You’ve got one minute until the bell rings. What do you do?
Vampires are the “It” monster right now. In fact, they're so over-represented in pop culture that other, equally capable monsters are getting overlooked. Monsters who have talent and appeal, and are ready to sign six or seven-figure book deals, or star in their own major motion picture at a theater near you. The only question is what to do with them. And how they might get an agent.
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