SparkNotes

On TV and in movies, bullies are often depicted in the same way: as big, muscle-bound goons with limited vocabularies who push around people much smaller than themselves. While these archetypal thugs certainly exist, bullies, like us non-bully types, come in all shapes and sizes, and use a variety of tactics. We've done an extensive, anthropological survey of high school's many bully species, and have identified five distinct types. We now present our findings, for your education and safety:

Every year on a Sunday in the dead of winter, millions of people across the nation take shelter inside, gather up some grub, and shout at the TV. That's right, Sparklers, it's time for the Super Bowl! If you're a football fan, this game is the ultimate competition, the culmination of a long, exhausting season. And if you're a really lucky football fan, you'll get the chance to see your favorite team play for the greatest title of all: Super Bowl Champion.

Life in the 21st century is pretty sweet. We have access to cool stuff like the internet, smart phones, hybrid cars, and the ShamWow. But despite these modern conveniences, we can't help but spend an idle moment here and there daydreaming about what it would be like to live in a different time period. Until time travel becomes a reality, we'll have to settle for the visions we conjure up in our imaginations (which is probably for the best).

Here are some of our favorite daydream destinations:

While we recognize the importance of getting good grades—they indicate you've learned something, further your progress from high school to college, and keep your parents happy—those letters don't mean everything. Sure, you want to do well, but focusing only on maintaining straight A's can lead to hair loss, sleepless nights, and generally irrational behavior. So how do you know if you're approaching grade-obsession? For starters, you probably won't be able to resist taking this little quiz:

High school can be a tough place to keep a secret. After all, there's almost always someone around who can engage in some stealthy eavesdropping. Even if your friends are good at sealing their lips, gossip still manages to seep out and run rampant through the halls. This makes gushing about that hot guy or girl you're into a bit dangerous. So how can you ensure that your feelings stay between just you and your friends? We recommend using a secret code name for your crush.

Trust us, after years of experience in covert ops, we can guarantee that this tactic works. And while generally spies don't share their strategies, we're willing to break the rules for you. But how will you come up with an indecipherable crush code name? Glad you asked.

When you imagine your first kiss, you probably think about how amazing it will be. You think about who will it be with, what it will feel like, and how the world will suddenly appear slightly blurry around the edges while gushy pop music plays in the background. Well, we've had our first kiss, and while we can't say for certain who yours will be with (although, if we were psychics, we'd say it will be the person you're thinking of right...now), we can give you some insight into the many types of kissers you may encounter:

As the great (and highly insightful) Will Smith once said, "parents just don't understand." They don't get why you stay up late at night IMing. They don't get how stressful school can be. And when parents don't understand something, they tend to get mad, or upset, or (the worst possible reaction) disappointed.

But what if we lived in a world where our parents reacted like the rest of our friends do? What if, instead of getting mad, they took a moment to remember what it was like to be a teenager? Sure, our friends aren't responsible for our health and protection, and perhaps having parents who reacted the same way our friends did wouldn't be the best thing for our long-term wellbeing, but it's a fantasy that's worth indulging every now and again. Let's look at a few scenarios:

About this time every four years, people who usually don't give a hoot about sports gather around the TV and work themselves into a frenzy over the most random athletic competitions. That's right, it's time for the Winter Olympics: Vancouver, BC Edition!

Those of you who aren't full-time, year-round sports fans don't have to worry about feeling silly because you don't understand the rules of the game or what anyone is doing. It's the Olympics—nobody really knows these things. And this is great news for you. With just a little bit of information, you'll be able to explain the proceedings to everyone at your Olympics viewing party (don't tell me you're not planning an Olympics viewing party!). Here's the skinny on our favorite four winter sports:

You roll over and slowly stretch your stiff legs and back. You force your eyes open and catch a glimpse of the clock. That's when you notice...holy ham-and-cheese sandwiches! You've overslept!

Perhaps you failed to hear your alarm, or you accidentally turned it off in the haze of sleep, or you simply went overboard hitting snooze until the alarm just figured it's not worth it to wake you up. No matter what the cause, the emotional shock of waking up late can be overwhelming. We've been there. We know what it's like. In fact, we've determined that that the average person experiences exactly five distinct emotional stages in reaction to oversleeping:

The year just ended with a glorious series of fun-filled holidays. Now we're settling into the long stretch of bleak winter months. With only a couple of three-day weekends and no long holiday breaks on the horizon, the first few months of the year always seem to drag on. And on. And on.

But we say, perk up! These days may be short and dark, but you can always find some rays of sunshine pushing through the gloom. To keep your spirits up, we've put together a list of winter's best. These are the funny, weird, and enjoyable things that make this time of the year bearable: