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Posts by jon_skindzier

5 Ways a Depressed Brain Lies to You

By Jon_SkindzierApril 27, 2016
Depression! Can't live with it, can't live without it. Well, you can, but not if you are a person who has depression. Its defining feature is that it never really goes anywhere. Depression is like being stuck with a terrible roommate who always ruins everything, except the r More  →
5 Ways Depression Lies to You (& How to Make It Stop)

April Fool's-o-Scopes

By Jon_SkindzierApril 1, 2016
If you ever miss the whimsy and wonder of being a child, Aries, you can take yourself back by having someone force you to eat gross green beans and then drawing a Batman that is terrible. You will realize this month that you have so many gifts you haven't even used yet, like More  →
April Fool's-o-Scopes

Four Elections Crazier Than This One

By Jon_SkindzierMarch 31, 2016
t's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that everything is terrible, in part because the news is always running headlines like "THE WORST: IS EVERYTHING THAT?" and "YES." It's especially easy to believe the worst about politics, given the circus-grade ridiculousness of More  →
Four Elections Crazier Than This One

March Late-oscopes

By Jon_SkindzierMarch 9, 2016
Curiosity killed the cat, Aries, but you are better than a cat; you have access to the internet, and you can ask it questions like "Should I chew on things I find under the couch?" and "Should I attack a baby coyote for no reason?" (According to Yahoo Answers, the answer is More  →
March Late-oscopes

February Horoscopes!

By Jon_SkindzierFebruary 10, 2016
Don't be afraid to speak your mind this month, Aries; instead, be afraid that the ice caps are melting and Earth will soon be an unlivable hellscape. Your creative romance idea for this month is to write a poem for your SO, like Donne's "The Flea" or Blake's "The Clod and t More  →
February Horoscopes!

These 8 Foods Would Make the Best SOs (YES, THAT IS THE ACTUAL TITLE OF THIS SLIDESHOW)

By Jon_SkindzierFebruary 4, 2016
Is the concept behind this slideshow completely ridiculous? ABSO-GOURDDAMN-LUTELY. But we here at SparkLife are committed to pushing the boundaries of investigative journalism (nope), and we will defend our choices TO THE DEATH. Now quit shaking your head in bemusement and c More  →
These 8 Foods Would Make the Best SOs (YES, THAT IS THE ACTUAL TITLE OF THIS SLIDESHOW)

These Conversation Tips Will Help You Survive Your First Date

By Jon_SkindzierJanuary 20, 2016
Once upon a time, first date conversation was very simple; it was the gentleman's job to ask the questions, and the lady's job to pass them along to her father, so that he could answer them for her, via pneumatic steam tubes or zeppelin mail. Things have changed a lot in the More  →
These Conversation Tips Will Help You Survive Your First Date

January Horoscopes!

By Jon_SkindzierJanuary 12, 2016
It's true that you often find love in the most unexpected places, Aries, but the police are unlikely to accept this excuse when they find you there. You really need to make a statement to get your love life off the ground this month; "Hello" is a good start, instead of just More  →
January Horoscopes!

Ask Jono: Will My Anxiety Keep Me From Ever Finding Someone?

By Jon_SkindzierDecember 15, 2015
Hi Jono :) As always I'm someone seeking advice so let's get to it: I am 18 going on 19 in college and have not ever kissed or been in a relationship with anyone. It doesn't cause me too much despair, although it's rather odd to ... More  →
Ask Jono: Will My Anxiety Keep Me From Ever Finding Someone?

December Horoscopes!

By Jon_SkindzierDecember 10, 2015
This is a celebratory month, Aries, but also a perilous one; the average American gains up to five pounds over the holidays, all at once, by unhinging her jaw like a snake and swallowing an entire ham. The stars advise that, instead of doing this, you should not do it. Your More  →
December Horoscopes!