Yes, Sparklers, today is the day you have all been waiting for. After countless countdowns, plot-spoiling blog posts, and rumors about on-set love affairs, the cinematic event of the 21st century is finally upon us: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans comes out today!!!! I’ve been camping in this line outside the movie theater for 12 days now, and I can’t wait to slide my aching body into a velvet seat and let my sore eyeballs be caressed by the handsome visage of Nicolas Cage, that dreamboat hunkadoodle who plays an unhinged, drug-addled cop struggling to stay sane while investigating a murder in the Big Easy. I heard he looks super cute in all the scenes! Especially the one where he's hallucinating about the iguanas! Anyway, it looks like they're starting to let people into the theater, so I have to fold up my lawn chair and gather my socks and move on out. And since I was chilling outside a theater for almost two weeks, I had the chance to tackle a few more Chris Listens questions. Thanks for all your great submissions! Now bring me some Nic Cage!
Today is the Friday the 13th. If you're superstitious, you should probably stay away from ladders, black cats, mirrors, and goalie masks. Unless you’re playing hockey, of course, in which case maybe you should go with the mask. Otherwise you might get a puck to the eye socket and the Friday the 13th curse would become all too real.
Speaking of things getting too real (killer segue, right?), when life gets too real for me, I like to take a step back and breathe for a second. Sometimes I even take off my goalie mask and think, "Wow, I can see a lot better without this thing on my face." Then I put it back on and step forward, back into the madness of existence. If you're ever feeling overwhelmed, don't be afraid to do take a step back. And not just on mysterious quasi-holidays, either. This technique should work just as well on Wednesday the 25th or Tuesday the 1st. Now, on to your fantastically real questions:
Hello again. Right now you may be thinking, "Didn't we just do this whole question-listen-answer thing a couple of days ago?" Well, let me reassure you that your brain is not deceiving you. Your computer is not trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Heck, you’re not even wearing a wool hat, or any other cranial accoutrement. We had so many fantastic questions this week, that we've decided to offer a double-dose of yours truly. So on we go, with no deception, no tricks, no wool pulled, onward!
Happy November, Sparklers. I received many heartfelt, well-considered, artfully composed electronic missives over the last week and a half, and I want to apologize for not being able to respond to all of them. But let me reiterate that even if I don’t have the time or space to answer every question, I do read every one from the first letter to the last emoticon, and my thoughts are with all of you, especially those who are feeling less than happy right now. If you're feeling down, let someone know (in addition to me!), because that's the surest way to make things better. OK, enough general advice. Let's get specific...
Last week a very clever Sparkler used this column as a platform on which to express his or her affection for yours truly. But anonymous crushes are one of the things that make the internet great, right? Or maybe they make the internet horrifying? Either way, thanks to all those who leapt to the defense of brown-eyed, glasses-wearing nerds. Lately I’ve received a lot of emails from people who are feeling down and out and/or disrespected, and it bums me out. I know evolutionary theory dictates that we prey on the weak and only the strong survive and all that, but I just wanted to make a quick appeal: If you know someone who doesn’t quite fit in or who is feeling lonely or depressed, do something about it. Make an effort to say hello and/or include them in what you’re doing. High school isn’t easy for anyone and we all have to do our best to endure it while our hormones go crazy and we face psychotic teachers, out-of-touch parents, relationships run amok, and the relentless pressure to succeed. So whenever/wherever possible, be kind to each other. OK. Speech done. Thanks for listening. Now: questions!
As you know, I'm a big fan of communicating (and its second cousin, venting). Expressing yourself is good for your mental health, and, in my experience, people like to know how other people feel about things. It's a win-win. The problem is, it's easy to write about communication on the internet, but hard to do in actual real-life reality. So this week, I want everyone to practice. If you think your friend is buggin' out, go and tell him, and ask what you can do to help. If you want to ask out your crush, take a deep breath and do it. And if you want to get out of a tough situation, express your feelings to someone you can trust. She might not have the answer, but you might not need an answer—you might just need a little support.
Last week, after revealing a few (some might say scant) details about myself and how I obtained this listenership, I was accused of being “vague,” “a tad vague,” and also “a bit vague.” Well, you already know my real name and what I look like when posed against various geographic backdrops—New York, Vermont, North Carolina. But charred_rose11 does get it (mostly) right: SparkNotes wanted someone to write an advice column, and I wanted to give advice. Is there more I could divulge? Sure. Would it be interesting? Perhaps, except for the complete lack of sordid details. Let’s just leave it at this: While I might be vague about myself, I am very specific about you and the answers to your questions. And what excellent questions we have this week. Let’s get to them!
Is there any way you can convince me that some guys really like you not for the way you look? And while I'm asking, just how important is it for a guy to be taller than you?
Hello Sparklers. Welcome to Chris Listens, the internet advice column that juxtaposes your questions and my answers. This week, I received a rather specific inquiry about this whole enterprise:
I was on SparkNotes and stumbled upon your advice column. What an absurd job. How did you get it? Speaking of which, does SparkNotes have headquarters? Do you guys hate CliffsNotes? I've never been so curious!
I have some bad news for you, Sparklers. Summer is over. I just shoved my Garfield beach towel into the deepest recesses of the closet, knowing I won’t need it again for months. (Unless I run out of regular bath towels, of course.) And a more disturbing sign is that my tan—once luxurious and perfect for disguising random blemishes—has started to fade. But except for my abiding love for Civil War reenactments, I’m not one to live in the past. That’s why I’m hurtling into autumn headlong and at great speed, eager to toss handfuls of fallen leaves into the crisp air while sporting a new flannel shirt. Unfortunately, it’s still quite warm here in the Newest of York Cities, and the leaves are still green and attached. So while I’m waiting for things to cool down and for lumberjack shirts to become fashionable again, let's see what's troubling you during this transitional time of year.
As we suspected, a lot of Sparklers are crushing hard on their BFFs, and while many don't know what to do about it, almost all of them want to do something. Based on the comments and electronic mails and smoke signals I received, it seems that BFF crushes can lead to blissful relationships. But it all depends on your approach. For example:
I was best friends with a guy for about two years and we just kind of waited things out. I'd say we used the flirt tactic. We've been dating for two years and we're getting married in May. :)
Patience, in the case of BFF crushes, is a major virtue. And so is taking a direct, active approach. Here's what can happen when meddling friends get involved:
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