SparkNotes

We hacked into the mainframe of the highly confidential National Prom Theme Database and found these gems. It’s a crying shame they haven’t been put to use. Here’s hoping #13 makes an appearance at the high school dance of your dreams.

Have you ever wondered what your favorite old movies would be like if they were re-cast with today’s stars? Of course you haven’t. But maybe you should spend less time on that AP Language essay and more time pondering this question. Here’s your opportunity to make it up to us:

You might see the title of this post and think to yourselves, “WHY IS THIS EVEN A POST. WHY.” To which we might respond, “WE HAVE NO IDEA. NO IDEA.” Sometimes there ain’t no reason to our rhyme, Sparklers. So just put that desk chair in recline and prepare to lose some brain cells as you read our list of things you might find when you're feeling around under your car seats for an ice scraper:

1. A giant piñata replica of your own head.

2. $3,000 worth of counterfeited American bills.

3. $3,000 worth of counterfeited Monopoly bills.

This one is for you, gents! Here's how NOT to impress the ladies.

1. Bare-knuckle brawls. Don’t operate under the impression that violent displays of testosterone are the best way to a girl’s heart. Instead of punching a stranger in the throat, show off in other ways: join the Frisbee team, tell your girl a joke, or carry an old man across the street.

Since our last post on this subject left a little something to be desired in the practicality department, we’ve decided to write a slightly more helpful follow-up. Below are things you should never ever do if you want to impress a special someone. (And don’t worry, gentlemen: we’ll be writing a guide for you soon.) Ladies, DO NOT:

1. Act like an idiot to fit in. Don’t dumb yourself down. EVER. If a guy can’t handle your mad skillz at algebra or your thesaurus-like brain, he doesn’t deserve your time.

We love ‘em, we hate ‘em, we want to hit them repeatedly in their oversize heads with pillows made of sheet rock. Who are they? Who else: our ever-lovin’, unbearably intolerable siblings. Below are some REAL LIFE stories from the REAL LIFE relationship between this writer and her twin sister (pictured here). Got any tales of terror that can top these bad boys? Doubtful.

Here are the top 6 times I've wanted to kick my twin's a#%:

1. The time (in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner with 15 relatives) she said she had paid John Lopez, the dreamiest guy in school, the Golden Boy of the decade, the Johnny Depp of 8th grade, two dollars to dance with me at the latest school-sanctioned shin-dig, and that he had refused to do so—until the offer was upped to 5, and a promised dance with her.

Today’s post was inspired by a Sparkler who wrote the following comment under a recently published article: “Wait, really? This was front-paged for...what reason? Protip: next time you wanna post a little joke joke Chelsea [Dagger], alt+f4 gives max funniness instantly. Try it a few times.”

We did try alt+F4, and we found, rather anticlimactically, that it simply closes whatever document we’re working on (after politely asking if we’d like to save our changes). We were simultaneously heartbroken and….well…confused. So after we scraped our self-esteem off the floor with a greased-up spatula, we devised an ingenious way to ensure that no insult ever left us baffled again. Here you have it: a list of ways to creatively destroy the ego of any SparkLife writer within a 50-mile radius. Next time you mock us, you’ve got a blueprint—and don’t worry, we test-drove these suckers on each other. Being bad has never felt so good.

Last week, we ran a post about how not to impress girls. Just to be fair, we had to write an equally-ridiculous article for the gals of SparkNotes.

1. On a dinner date, order an arugula salad, minus the arugula. When your waiter politely states that your request is impossible, upturn the table, backhand slap him, and scream, “IMPOSSIBLE?! We put a man on the MOON, sir! This is AMERICA. AND IN AMERICA, I CAN HAVE AN ARUGULA-LESS ARUGULA SALAD.”

1. Do 29 cartwheels in a row. Follow this stupendous display of acrobatic skill by barfing.

As if you really needed a list:

1. Make a list of all the things you’d rather do than your homework. Send that list to SparkLife. Become a published freelance blogger. Use your popularity as a platform off which to launch your career as a widely renowned author. Move to New York. Secure an extravagant book deal. Win the Pulitzer Prize.