SparkNotes

Jon is reading Lord of the Flies and blogging about it. His posts are collected here.

Chapter 5 introduces us to a new and updated Ralph—Ralph 2.0, as it were—who has been reborn out of last chapter's lack of a fire like some sort of reverse phoenix.

There's a reason "missed the boat" is an apt analogy for failing to seize opportunity, and now that Ralph has done this actual thing, it's made him all grim and thoughtful. As this new Ralph prepares for the meeting he called at the end of the last chapter, he's woefully aware of how little the boys have accomplished, and how everything they have managed to throw together is a piece of junk.

Chapter Three: Motives
Better Title: Jacob Black's Guide To Gettin' It Done

Jacob "The Thunder" Black rides again! And when he makes his triumphant return, not only does he mock Edward, but he parks his motorcycle on the school's sidewalk. Why? Because this warrior plays by his own rules, makes his own roads, and answers to no one. He is….Mr. Black. [Cue the howling of a wolf on a still winter's night.]

But before Jacob tells it like it is, I have two questions. First, how do Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme pass the time during the day? Do they simply wait around for Edward to have a problem?

Chapter Two
Summer passes quickly (like it always does), and Dill heads back home. Scout gears up for her first year of school, which she's very excited about. But once she gets there, she realizes that she kind of hates her teacher, Miss Caroline Fisher.

Miss Caroline is a young teacher. It seems that everything she does annoys Scout. When she finds that Scout already knows how to read very well, she tells her to tell her father not to teach her anymore. Classic lazy teacher move ("I don’t want to have to think of things that will keep you interested, so stop being smarter than everybody else.").

If you're a human, you're probably familiar with what we at SparkNotes like to call the Library Oh-Crap—so called because of that unfortunate experience wherein you notice an unfamiliar book on your shelf, open it up, and discover that the binding is stamped in five places with the words, “Property of [Your Town] Public Library”... and inside, waving like a tiny flag of shame, is a sign-out slip dated sometime in 2007, at which point you close the book and say, “Oh, crap!”

But if you've ever found yourself wracked with guilt over a library book that's a year or two overdue, we're happy to tell you that it could always be worse. You could be this person.

A few days ago on Facebook, we asked which literary character is your dream bf/gf. Lots of people chose the reserved yet passionate Mr. Darcy, of Pride and Prejudice; there were also many admirers of the brooding, dangerous Heathcliff. This got us thinking: is Fitzwilliam or Heath the bigger catch?

We asked Kat Rosenfield and Kathryn Williams to debate the merits of these fictional dreamboats. Kat reps for Team Darcy; Kathryn for Team Heathcliff. Let the gchat battle begin!

kat: Darcy rules.
kathryn: Yeah, if you like that haughty, timid type.
kat: I prefer haughty and timid over bats**t insane.

Yesterday afternoon and evening, many of you flicked on your computers and chatted with the hilarious Dan Bergstein. But we realize some of you don't have a Facebook account, and others across the world had to do really silly things like sleep and go to school. Alas, not everyone got to chat with Dan, so we decided to take Sparkler synchrogirl117's suggestion and give you some highlights. (If you'd like to read through the entire event, click here.)

We'd also like to thank everyone who participated. The first Dan Bergstein chat was a major success! In fact, we'd love to post the entire, 6 hour-long convo on SparkLife, but with more than 1050 posts, it would be so long that your computer would probably blow up. So here goes: The Best of Bergstein...

Hi everyone!
Welcome to the Facebook Chat. Is anyone else really nervous? No? Just me then.
Feel free to ask me questions about anything, and I'll try to answer you as fast as possible. (Please don't hate me for grammar mistakes and the many, many typos.)
Questions about religion and politics will get short, uninteresting answer because I don't want this to turn into a debate.
Question about my love life will get even shorter, less interesting answers, because I have a girlfriend and would still like to have a girlfriend tomorrow.
Let's do this! [CLAPS HANDS TOGETHER IN LOUD OBNOXIOUS MANNER]

Dan's Twilight posts are collected on a handy-dandy index page.

Chapter Two: Evasion
Better Title: Edward Cullen's Guide to Controlling Your Woman

This is a joke, right? Edward must be kidding around. He's not honestly acting like an abusive boyfriend, is he? Chapter Three better begin with:

Edward screamed, "Gotcha! I was just messing around. Want to go to a movie? Or should we just hang out here and I'll breathe directly into your nose so you can smell my amazing mouth odor?"

I'm getting ahead of myself, but by chapter's end, if any young woman still thinks Edward Cullen is the bee's knees, then I feel very sorry for that young woman. It's shocking how awfully Edward treats Bella. And Bella's reaction is just as horrible. These two idiots deserve each other, and I'm glad that Jacob didn't end up with Bella. Besides, Jacob Black needs no woman. The earth is his mistress. The sky is his bride. He is…Mr. Black [cue thunderclap] (I could write Jacob intros all day!)

This is just a friendly reminder that...

Holyyyyyyy-Z-O-M-friggin-G the Dan Bergstein Facebook chat is Thursday, Nov. 12 from 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. EST, which is so so so very close to right now.

Have you:

Found out what time zone you're in?
RSVP'd on Facebook?
Thought of amazing questions for Dan?
Learned to take screenshots of your name right next to Dan's unedited, off-the-cuff responses, so you can make a desktop background/t-shirt/plaque/bowling ball/birthday cake for your momma out of every sentence he types?
Found a nice man with a dirty van to kidnap your younger siblings so they don't bug you while you're chatting with Dan?
Told someone you love them today? (For good karma.)

Yes?! Fantastic! All you need to do is click on our Facebook discussion tomorrow anytime between 3 and 9 to participate.

Got questions? We got answers. Leave your Qs about the Dan B. Facebook chat in the comments, and we (your devoted eds) will respond!

Jon is blogging Lord of the Flies. For a list of his posts, go here.

Welcome to Chapter 4, Painted Faces and Long Hair, aka The Boys Finally Kill Something On Purpose, And Also Are Jerks.

We start with a description of how the boys are coping with life on the island. Most of the kids (particularly the littluns) basically just goof off and eat and get confused by nature, unless bad things are happening to them. The littluns are filthy, careless, and either treated like crap or ignored entirely. One of them (Percival) had a total breakdown, which everyone considers hilarious.

First things first: Yes, I will now be blogging To Kill a Mockingbird. No, I will not be making fun of this classic book. I will be making jokes about the plot and asking stupid questions about the events but I will not, I repeat, not make fun of this classic work of literature that I genuinely like. (Please put your hammers down now.)