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Auntie SparkNotes: Is My Girlfriend Dating Someone Else?!

Auntie SparkNotes: Is My Girlfriend Dating Someone Else?!

Kat Rosenfield

Dear Auntie,

Last year, I had the biggest crush on this girl (let's call her Ella). Normally, I suppress my feelings towards girls because I know that my homophobic family won't be supportive, but she's also bi, and she started flirting back. So for nearly four months, we had this constant awkward flirting-but-not-really thing going on.

I wasn't going to tell her that I liked her. But a month before school ended, I found out I'd be moving five hours away from where I was living at the time. I decided to tell her at graduation, because I knew that even if it went badly, I would never see her again, so why not? And I did, and it turns out that she actually liked me back.

And it was great. Really, it was. We dated throughout the whole summer— my family still doesn't know—and when I finally moved, we talked almost every day. If she or I was busy one week, we'd make up for it with a long FaceTime session where we talked about basically anything for hours.

Then, just a few months ago, she started kind of ignoring me. I was going to talk to her about it, but while I was talking to a friend didn't know anything about our relationship, he let it slip that Ella was "basically dating" a guy at home. My first instinct was to be appalled, but I trust Ella, love her as a person, and really like her romantically, so I asked another friend who's closer to both of us what was going on. But my other friend confirmed it. And now I don't know what to do.

I think Ella knows I know something, because she won't answer my calls and leaves me on read. But I don't want to just text her, because that's kind of insensitive and jeopardizes my own privacy. I don't know what to do. I'm scared and mad and, most of all, I don't want to believe that she would do something like this. So please, Auntie, what should I do?

Unfortunately, Sparkler, this is the bad news: there's really nothing you *can* do, except to accept the ugly truth that's already staring you in the face.

And of course that's terribly hard, and it sucks, and I'm sorry. I know you don't want to believe that Ella would start dating someone else without telling you. But for that matter, you probably didn't want to believe she'd just ghost you and stop answering your calls, either—and yet, here you are, hundreds of miles apart and months away from your last interaction, sending messages into the void without a single response. Even if she's not involved with someone else, and even if you never know for sure one way or another, she's done more than enough for you to know that she's no longer worth investing your heart in.

And I'm sure that's hard to accept, considering how significant this relationship was to you, and how much of a risk you took by getting involved in it. Even if you didn't expect things to last forever, you probably thought the end would come in the form of an actual *ending*—and certainly, you deserved better than to look up several months later and realize that your girlfriend had unceremoniously vanished from the equation like some kind of breakup Houdini. Unfortunately, the essential unfairness of this outcome doesn't change the fact that it happened. Your relationship is over, sweet pea. The thing you're afraid of has already come to pass.

And you should go ahead and feel lousy about that, at least for a little while. It's okay to be sad and angry, and it's okay to deal with those emotions in whatever way makes you feel better. Throw darts at her yearbook photo! Burn her in effigy! Send her a text message telling her that her face looks like a baboon's rear end, then block her number before she can respond! If it makes you feel better and won't get you arrested, anything goes.

But once you've done that, please don't dwell anymore on Ella, or what she's doing, or who she's doing it with. Let go of her the way she let go of you. You're about to embark upon an exciting new chapter of your life, in a new place surrounded by new people, and I promise you that good things are coming. Romantic things, even! And it can all begin just as soon as you allow the wrong she did to become a memory, and start looking forward to what lies ahead.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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Topics: Life
Tags: auntie sparknotes, relationships, breakups, dating, advice, long-distance relationships, relationship advice, breakup advice, coping with a breakup

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