Every Conversation You Will Have at the End of the School Year
Things change, but at least the conversations we’re having at the end of every school year will always stay the same. The end of times could be nigh, and we would still be saying, “Have a great summer!” as civilization crumbled around us, provided it was late May to mid-June and exams were finally over.
Here is every conversation you will be having with another person in the coming weeks, revealing that we are little more than sentient flesh piles with a finite number of stock phrases stored away in our word arsenals.
PERSON 1: Man, that AP lit exam was harder than I thought it would be.
PERSON 2: I mean we’re not really supposed to talk about it.
PERSON 1: True.
PERSON 2: So let’s proceed to talk about it in detail and at great length. Did you see the memes?
PERSON 1: Obviously I saw the memes.
PERSON 1: Got any plans for the summer?
PERSON 2: I am going to watch TV for three months until my brain reverts back to the primordial ooze from which it evolved. You?
PERSON 1: Same.
TEACHER: I’m not curving the exam grades.
PERSON 1: I can’t wait for this school year to be over. I’ve been really busy lately.
PERSON 2: You think you’re busy? I’ve got four essays to write, seven assignments to finish, three group projects to present, and the entire German Enigma code to crack, thus decisively turning the tide of World War II.
PERSON 1: Will you sign my yearbook? Make sure it is a page-long endeavor that is both touching and hilarious.
PERSON 2: Can I make inside jokes that neither of us will remember one year from now?
PERSON 1: Of course.
PERSON 2: What about pop culture references that will make us feel older and older as the years lengthen, which in turn will remind us that our bodies are slowly hurtling towards oblivion and eventual decay?
PERSON 1: You bet.
PERSON 2: Give it here.
PERSON 1: I still have to clean out my locker. There are things inside of it that I haven’t seen in nine months, things I have adapted to living comfortably without.
PERSON 2: Good luck with that.
PERSON 1: It’s so hot out.
PERSON 2: Sure is.
PERSON 1: It feels like I was JUST complaining about how cold it was. I’ll never be content.
PERSON 2: None of us will.
STUDENT: Can we have class outside?
TEACHER: And derive one single modicum of joy from what is supposed to be a mutually agonizing experience? I’ll die first.
PERSON 1: So we should probably erase all the stuff we wrote in our textbooks.
PERSON 2: Probably.
PERSON 1: Or we could leave them and have our mark on humanity’s rich tapestry be butt doodles.
PERSON 2: Let’s do it and be legends.
PERSON 1: Have a good summer! Let’s definitely hang out!
PERSON 2: I will never see you again, either in this life or the next.