I've received a lot of weird put-downs in my life. I've been called a vending machine of lies. I've been told my hands smell like cabbage. I even, once, upset a taxi driver who then cried, "May your wife give birth to a centipede so you have to work for shoes for the rest of your life!" This is apparently a common insult in Serbia, but I was very impressed by his creativity. The Earth! What a wacky place, with its range of countries, cultures, and bizarre bug-centric insults.
None of the above, however, can be as eloquent as the jabs written in fiction. Read these, memorize these, and bust them out in times of trouble (so you can get yourself into even more trouble).