Sparklers, I've attempted many difficult feats in my lifetime. I've tried to run a mile in under 20 minutes. I've tried to make drop-crotch pants look cool. Once I even tried to flirt with a living human being using words (it was 3 years ago, and I am still cloaked in the residual shame).
But never have I attempted something as foolhardy and as ill-advised as I'm attempting today. Today, I come before you, the greatest Harry Potter experts of this century, with a singular mission: to grace your skeptical, bespectacled eyeballs with a Harry Potter theory, question, or observation that you have never seen.
Am I destined for complete failure and abject humiliation? It's very likely; better men than me have fallen short. But I will not be deterred by the possibility of defeat. After all, I didn't win Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award five years running because I DON'T know how to look death in the eyes and fire away with my finger guns.
Should I be successful in my quest, I'll see you in the comment section to exchange running high-fives, drink an irresponsible number Knickerbocker Glories, and make "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS SH*#" Dean Thomas facial expressions.
And if I should fail, I'll retreat to the Weasleys' attic, where I'll spend the remainder of my days eating cockroach clusters and enduring an endless conversation with the ghost of Ron's uncle Bilius and Gilderoy "Dumbledore is literally just trolling us now" Lockhart. It's a grim fate indeed, but for you, I'll risk it.
See you in a few, Sparklers. Alternatively, goodbye forever.
A Gwarp-sized thank you and many dozens of pumpkins pasties to hogwartskidsproblems.tumblr.com, which was our source for every one of these tumblr posts and therefore a crucial part of what shall surely be the award-winningest slideshow in wizarding/Muggle history. HKP, we are forever in your debt.