Dream Graduation Speakers, Ranked
With graduation comes commencement speeches, and with commencement speeches comes a 3-hour monologue about the misery awaiting you in the real world, delivered by your profusely sweaty principal. Thrilling, yes? No. Here are some fresher choices for your consideration:
Pros: Killer cheeckbones, fierce, fashionable, elegant, great speaking voice, able to turn into a fire-breathing dragon
Cons: Actual killer, mistress of all evil, fictional, able to turn into a fire-breathing dragon, tends to place malevolent curses on young women
Speech Highlight: "Wonderful that you all invited me here today, because if you hadn't, I would have been forced to...er, be very happy for you."
9. Abby Wambach
Pros: FIFA Women's World Cup Champion, two-time Olympic Gold medalist, has already inspired millions of college-aged girls, owns cute English bulldog named Kingston, has golden card from Chipotle entitling her to one free burrito per day for life
Cons: Competitive edge may lead her to slide-tackle other speakers
Speech Highlight: "Congratulations on four grueling years. Now let's all go celebrate with a few quick sprints around the stadium. HUSTLE HUSTLE HUSTLE"
8. J.K. Rowling
Pros: Brain full of fascinating and impossible ideas, pretty good with words I guess, may possibly give us all BA's in the Wizarding Arts if we ask nicely
Cons: High possibility that she will kill off some of our favorite graduates
Speech Highlight: "I can neither confirm nor deny the names of the four American wizarding schools. Please stop interrupting my speech."
7. Marie Curie
Pros: One of the baddest ladies in history, discovered radium and polonium, first woman to win a Nobel Prize. Twice.
Speech Highlight: "Pardon me, sir, would you hold this Nobel while I finish my speech? And this other Nobel? And these glowing test tubes? Merci."
6. Ruth Bader Ginsberg
Pros: Lots of practice writing airtight speeches as second female supreme justice and leading litigator for women's rights, stunningly high work ethic, kicks ass while wearing fishnet gloves
Cons: At 5'1" she may have trouble reaching the microphone
Speech highlight: "Though members of the court may opine that ramen is not a whole meal, this justice would argue that anyone-- man, woman, child, of any creed or color-- may for themselves decide what comprises nutrition, and is free to make choices correspondingly. Go forth. Microwave your noodles. The court rests."
Pros: Activist for women's education who inspired an international movement, passionate and articulate writer, youngest Nobel laureate in history
Cons: At 18, she may be younger than some of the graduates. Kinda intimidating.
Speech Highlight: [With a flash, Malala turns into a phoenix and rises, singing, above the crowd to wild applause]
4. Jon Stewart
Pros: Hilarious, sharp, able to be both extremely funny and heart-wrenchingly sincere within a single paragraph
Cons: Unrecognizable with his new white hair and beard
Speech Highlight: "And what about those incoming freshmen? Have you seen them? The last time I saw someone so clueless and prone to noisy self-destruction, we nominated them as the Republican presidential candidate."
3. Joan of Arc
Pros: Inspired a French army to victory with her speechifying and cleverness, is literally a saint
Cons: Hears voices, is extremely dead
Speech Highlight: "Go forth, young graduates, and conquer! Go forth! GO FORTH NOW, CHARGE!!!"
2. Katniss Everdeen
Pros: Alarmingly capable, probably future leader of the free world
Cons: More an action girl than a speech-giver
Speech Highlight: "Listen, I'm not great with people. I only inspired the masses of my society to uprise. But I can try to dig up a few pieces of wisdom."
Pros: Greatest living human
Speech Highlight: Everyone attendant gonna slay, gonna slay, gonna slay, gonna slay