9 SUPER-Subtle Hints for Your Crush When HE'S JUST NOT GETTING IT
Ever use your entire arsenal of feminine wiles to make your crush realize you like him, and he just doesn’t get it? ONLY EVERY DAY. And no matter what tactics you try or how many times you casually/not-so-casually bump into him, the boy seems completely oblivious? (YOU HAVE THE BRUISES TO PROVE IT.) Well, you're in luck, because WE ARE THE WORLD CHAMPIONS OF CRUSH CHASE (similar to Candy Crush, but slightly more emotionally violent).
We’re breaking down a foolproof plan to make sure he REALLY understands your romantic intentions.
THE WARM UP=Building that foundation of flirtation:
1. Sneeze in his general vicinity. This is his cue to offer you his handkerchief. If he isn't reacting to your dainty lady sneezes, get hard-core with a hacking cough and death wheeze. BONUS POINTS if he offers to take you to the nurse's office.
2. Push your pencil off your desk so that it rolls over to your crush. He will hand it back to you, giving you ample opportunity for some hand-to-hand contact and a deep and meaningful eye lock. Whisper "thanks" seductively. If you say it in a sexy, raspy voice, he may even ask if you're feeling better from your trip to the nurse's office. NOTE: Bring 10-15 pencils in case the first one, two, or three roll to anyone else.
3. Across-the-room-glances are scientifically proven to have started 63% of successful long-term modern-day relationships, and virtually all relationships in Victorian England. Sit two to three tables away from your crush at lunch and STARE UNBLINKINGLY. It's best if you sit alone, as others could distract you and make you lose your concentration. When he notices your visual advances, alternate between flirtatiously batting your lashes and opening your eyes wide for maximum love connection. Remember your vixen smile. You don't want to look crazy.
THE MAIN EVENT=The asking out to set up the falling into the love
4. If you're sure he's picked up on all your aforementioned clues, move on to asking the fella out. FAVORITE TACTIC: Zero in on him in the hallway. Run at him full speed. Stop ever so briefly to yell, "WE WILL GO ON THE DATE NOW. ACCEPTING ADVISED. BYE." Then run away as quickly as possible. He will think you're totally mysterious and cool because you obviously didn't care enough about his answer to even hang around and see what it was.
5. He may have been intimidated by the method above, so if you haven't heard from him, try again. This time, wait by his car after school. If he asks why you're there, let him know this is exactly the car your Mom drives, and you were waiting for her to take you to the orthodontist. Details are everything in a cover story. Let him know that it's SUCH a coincidence that you ran into him because you'd been dying to ask him something. Hand him a previously prepared handwritten invitation to an evening of roller-skating and milkshakes and disappear behind the car. A somewhat magical exit is key to every romantic encounter, so sneak around all the cars in the lot until you're sure he's made it home.
6. If you've already asked him out twice, and you're starting to lose hope, ask him out at least three more times. If he's still saying no, ask at least once more. If that fails, turn him into a toad.
ADDITIONAL TIPS: Never surrender. Never give in. We are Modern Women after all.
7. Make sure to be very clear in your language. Boys are dumb. While, "Hey, wanna hang?" might not get his attention, "MEET ME AT THE MALL AND WE WILL WALK AND TALK AND LOVE AND EAT BLIZZARDS," is much more clear.
8. Switch it up. If you've asked him to see a movie, but he never seems interested, offer to do something else. "Oh, you don't like movies or the mall or sports or hanging out? CAN YOU TURN DOWN A TRIP TO THE DESERT WITH ONLY OUR WITS AND A CANTEEN FULL OF KOOLAID TO SURVIVE?" No, he cannot. Especially if you don't tell him that's where you're taking him ahead of time.
9. Try different forms of communication. Do you tend to break into a sweat when you talk to this fellow in person? GOOD. Pheromones are the most important part of mating (AHEM, dating, I meant dating). But if you’re not super eager to put nature's chemical love potion to work, you can always ask him out via text or messaging, which let you plan your words specifically. Every guy would be overjoyed to to receive a text limerick about your undying and rhyming feelings for him!
We’re almost entirely confident (or at least a soft 60%) that one of the above methods is going to get your crush to notice you, but if not, don’t be afraid to move onto greener pastures. After all, you’ve dropped north of 70 pencils at this point— SOMEONE must have picked up one of the others! And wasn’t there a charming young man who actually did hand you a Kleenex after only one sneeze? Find him immediately, and tell us if these definitely previously tested tips work on him.
Got a killer move (that may or may not involve a dry ice machine)? Let us know how you grab your crush’s attention!