What Going Back to School Is Like, According to Shakespeare
School is starting and inspiring in us all an emotion generally known as "ugh." Shakespeare knows what that's about. Dude may be dead and buried, but the ensepulchered bard went to grammar school in his time, and odds are he hated every minute of it. How do I know this? Well, because I've perused his stuff, and I'm reading between the lines. For example:
When everyone else went on cool vacations and you literally did nothing all summer long:
"I wasted time, and now doth time waste me."
—Richard II, Act 5, Scene 5
When you don’t have the same lunch hour as any of your friends:
"Hell is empty and all the devils are here."
—The Tempest, Act 1, Scene 2
When you’re not used to waking up at the ungodly hour of 6 AM and you're really starting to feel it:
"Are you sure that we are awake? It seems to me that yet we sleep, we dream."
—Romeo and Juliet, Act 4, Scene 1
When the time has come for you to drag your ill-fated carcass to the first class of the day:
"The wheel is come full circle: I am here."
— King Lear, Act 5, Scene 3
When you realize you have a class with the person you hate:
"Thou dost infect my eyes."
—Richard III, Act 1, Scene 2
When you're mentally preparing yourself to say "here!" during attendance:
"Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once."
—Julius Caesar, Act 2, Scene 2
When the teacher makes you introduce yourself in front of the class and you fumble your words beyond all comprehension:
"What an ass am I!"
—Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2
When some people are already taking gym class way too seriously:
"Wisely and slow. They stumble that run fast."
—Romeo and Juliet, Act 2, Scene 3
When you’re 100% done being subtle with the person you’ve had a crush on for eight years:
"To tell thee plain, I aim to lie with thee."
—Henry VI Part 3, Act 3, Scene 2
When you feel like you’ve been stuck in this doom dungeon forever but it’s only second period:
"This is too long."
—Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2
When all the stuff you learned last year feels like it's but a distant memory:
"My dull brain was wrought with things forgotten."
—Macbeth, Act 1, Scene 3
When the teacher confiscates someone’s iPhone on the first day to show you they mean business:
"Now is the winter of our discontent."
—Richard III, Act 1, Scene 1
When you’re getting into it with the person who's been your rival since third grade and you need a solid comeback:
"Villain, I have done thy mother!"
—Titus Andronicus, Act 4, Scene 2
When the administration office messed up your schedule and you have to get it fixed:
"Full of vexation come I, with complaint."
—A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act 1, Scene 1
When the person sitting in front of you is always raising their hand to say something dumb:
"I never see thy face but I think upon hellfire."
—Henry IV Part 1, Act 3, Scene 3
When you’re saving a seat for your friend and someone makes The Eye Contact™ with you:
"I'll not budge an inch."
—The Taming of the Shrew, Induction, Scene 1
When you didn’t raise your hand and the teacher calls on you anyway:
"I am not bound to please thee with my answer."
—The Merchant of Venice, Act 4, Scene 1
Your attitude towards this whole deal, just generally:
—Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 3