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Happy Holidays from Lord Voldemort!

Happy Holidays from Lord Voldemort!

Facebook / Warner Bros. / SparkLife

December 2, 1994

Dear friends*,

*LOL JK

What a year it's been for us in the Quirrell headhold! Quirinus has welcomed me to the back of his head with characteristic good cheer. Or should I say good fear? :) As for me, after my long sabbatical in the Romanian woods, I'm loving my return to the corporeal life! Don't worry, Vlad the Vapour; I'll always think fondly of our long floats together. But being back at Hogwarts, even if my view is somewhat obscured by a turban, has been a real treat.

Now, I won't say that the year has been entirely without its little hiccups! I've found myself missing my old friend the Basilisk, and holding my (parsel)tongue during Quirinus' "Defense" Against the Dark Arts lessons (LOL) isn't always easy! But the murderous rage I feel whenever I hear Harry Potter's shrill pubescent voice makes it all worth it. Truly, friends, this is a time of year to be grateful.

Nagini, my faithful servant, has had a big year, too! She gave birth to 107 babies and ate them all. Boy, did she have a bellyache that night. The one drawback of being a parselmouth is that snakes are champion complainers. Nagini's lucky I can't kill her, since—

Actually, nevermind.

Friends, you all know that the only religions I have are darkness & fear (I've dabbled in Satanism, but frankly the commitment to evil was shockingly sub-par). But my gaping chest cavity swells during the holiday season. Blame it on unicorn blood in the lungs if you must, but I think it's something bigger: the omnipresence of peace, love, and joy this time of year are a reminder of just how weak those pathetic "virtues" make everyone. So it's during the holidays that the conquest of every witch and wizard on earth feels more inevitable than ever before.

Besides which, I quite enjoy sugarplums.

Yes, friends, big things are in store for the year ahead, and unless something goes horribly wrong—I mean honestly, if I can't defeat an 11-year-old, then my name isn't you-know-what—I think you'll be bowing a lot more to me in 1995!

Yours in ruling you forever,

Topics: Life
Tags: harry potter, voldemort, holidays 2015, holiday newsletters, all i want for christmas is my 2 front teeth and my own head

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About the Author
Jessie Gaynor

Jessie is a Sparkitor and poet who has written fan letters to both Christian Slater and Queen Elizabeth. Thanks, she'd love an omelette right about now!

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