Let Us Salute the Fallen Snack Foods
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, in the presence of all Sparklers, to mourn the loss of our most treasured snack foods. These light refreshments were simply too tasty for this world, angels called home before their time, because God needs to snack, too. They shall be missed, our comestible friends, recalled with growling stomachs and grateful hearts and the lingering feeling that you never could eat just one. These tasty tidbits will live on in our sepia-toned memories and in the love handles and double chins that were their life's greatest achievements. Remember in your grief, Sparklers, that this, too, shall pass. The Food Fates will never give us more—or less—than we can handle. So don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
Many people have expressed their deepest sympathy over Doritos 3D's passing. Of course, this is not surprising, as D3D—as his closest friends knew him—was a people-pleaser. D3D always knew how to pick us up, whether it was with a quick game of Toss Me in the Air and Catch Me in Your Mouth or a compliment that sounded a lot like just plain crunching. We know some people out there are trying to ease the pain of D3D's departure with Doritos Jacked 3D, but let's speak the truth: THEY ARE NOT THE SAME. There's no replacing the original.
"Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger," we used to say. What hubris! Because here we are, BB, missing you like crazy. There was just something inherently poppable about your crispety, crunchety, perfectly round pellets of peanut-buttery goodness. "But there are Butterfinger Bites!" some poor, misled souls might reply. If they only knew. Have you ever shot a Butterfinger Bite out of a BB gun, we ask? Tried to play marbles with a Butterfinger Bite? Stuffed 15 Butterfinger Bites into your mouth at one time? No, we tell you, that's ridiculous. There was only one BB, and she is gone. May she rest in peace.
Heinz EZ Squirt Purple Ketchup
There is a strong temptation, when you lose a loved one, like P.K., to forget their flaws. P.K. wouldn't have wanted us to fall into that trap. Sure, he was delicious, the perfect consistency for French fries or chicken nuggets or even a hot dog. Many appreciated his delightful combination of salty and sweet, with a little bit of zing. But he was also ugly, like really, really unattractive. Some might say gross. Seriously, it was hard to get past. But looks aren't everything, Mr. Heinz. Walk toward the light, P.K. Your siblings—Orange, Green, Teal, Blue, and Pink—are there waiting for you.
Black Cherry Vanilla Coke
When it came to Black Cherry Vanilla Coke, elegance was the name of the game. She was no regular soft drink. Plain vanilla? Pedestrian. Red cherries? Passé. No, Black Cherry Vanilla aimed for the moon and landed among the stars, such a dreamer was she. Of course, dreamers are never long for this world. Born in 2006 and deceased in 2007, she was but a flame who flickered out too soon. We love you, Black Cherry Vanilla. Every time we drop cocktail cherries (RED! The horror!) into our Vanilla Cokes, we will think of you and say we knew you when.
French Toast Crunch
This just in: French Toast Crunch has risen from the dead. This is a surprising turn of events. Guess we better go make sure all those other snacks we buried weren't still breathing. We're coming, Crispy M&M's!!!!!
What discontinued foods are you grieving?