EXCELLENT NEWS: The #1 Thing JLaw Wants in a Relationship is COOL RANCH DORITOS
Unless you've been hibernating in the abandoned ham factory that I keep threatening to abscond to, you've surely heard about J "LAYIN' DOWN THE" Law's epic interview with Vanity Fair. After more than a month of silence about the nude photo leak that affected her and several other high-profile celebs, she came out swinging in the magazine's cover story, issuing a profoundly awesome condemnation of the hackers and succinctly summing up what we were all thinking: "It's my body, and it should be my choice."
Though she certainly would have been justified in spending the entire interview verbally eviscerating the leak's perpetrators, she happily turned her focus to much less serious topics—namely, the qualities she looks for in a boyfriend.
Though evidence currently points to the conclusion that she's dating Coldplay frontman/veritable senior citizen Chris Martin, we can't help but hope that this interview means we've still got a shot at becoming the Peeta to her Katniss (we'll skip the brainwashing but keep the white tuxedo, THANK YOU VERY MUCH). Check out Mean Lean Everdeen's killer quotes below, and FOR THE LOVE OF HAYMITCH, do not forget to watch the video at the end—it proves that just when you thought you couldn't possibly lurve JLaw any more, YOU CAN IN FACT LURVE HER INFINITY % MORE.
Boyfriend Prerequisite Numero Uno: Must Love Very, Very Bad TV
JLaw: “I would just rather have somebody that has the same taste in reality TV. [Like] Shark Tank. Wait, Oh, Dance Moms—that is a good one! O.K., maybe my favorite is Dance Moms, but I do love my Real Housewives. But there’s also—there’s Doomsday Preppers. Hoarders is O.K. I find it gets a little boring after a while, but it’s great. I love Intervention, New York Housewives—and Beverly Hills, New Jersey, and Atlanta Housewives. I mean, I love them all, but Miami—oh, my God! Miami is really special.”
UH, SOULMATE ALERT. We've spent roughly 90% of our adult lives riveted to gloriously trashy tv shows, and now, PRAISE FINNICK, it seems that our efforts have not been for naught. Guess the roommate who once screamed "Are you seriously watching Project Runway again?! These shows are worthless garbage! And is that my ice cream?! Why are you eating it with your HAND?!" was 100% WRONG. (Except about the ice cream, but come on, YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE A CARTON OF BEN & JERRY'S IN THE FREEZER AND EXPECT IT TO BE THERE COME MORNING.) JLaw, if you need someone to binge-watch Bravo programming with, WE'RE YOUR MAN.
Boyfriend Prerequisite #2: Must Be Ready to Carbo-Load At a Moment's Notice
JLaw apparently ate spaghetti and meatballs for BREAKFAST during this interview (BE STILL OUR HEARTS), and in the video below, she professes her undying adoration for Cool Ranch Doritos. If there's anything that takes a crush to "WE JUST MADE A TERRIFYINGLY THOROUGH PINTEREST BOARD OF OUR FUTURE WEDDING" territory, it's a celeb who unabashedly admits to CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT FOOD. As seen here. And here. And here. And here. Annndddd here. DAMMIT WOMAN, LET US TAKE YOU OUT TO THE NICEST RESTAURANT IN TOWN, AKA CHILI'S, AND GET YOU SOME BOTTOMLESS ERRRRVRYTHANG.
On the off chance that you're made entirely of stone and have someone resisted Jennifer's charms up until this point, may we present your kryptonite: THE SINGLE GREATEST VIDEO IN THE WORLD. Just TRY to watch it without turning into a moony idiot. WE ARE BUT PUTTY IN YOUR FABULOUS HANDS, JEN.
Jen, if you're reading this, WE ARE AVAILABLE FOR ANY AND ALL DORITO-EATING ACTIVITIES. Does this interview/vid make you love JLaw more than you ever thought possible? If you answered no, ARE YOU ACTUALLY PRESIDENT SNOW???