Why You Are Going to HIP THRUST When You See Guardians of the Galaxy
Whether you are the kind of person who only sees superhero movies if Andrew Garfield is in them or the type of fanbot who sleeps under a "Cave of Solitude" quilt and glow-in-the-dark star-covered ceiling, you are going to freak when you see Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy. Most of us plebes are n00bs to Guardians of the Galaxy, because it's a somewhat fringe comic (Kath wrote this excellent primer on the series), but even if you enter the cinema knowing nothing more than "this movie stars Chris Pratt and a raccoon," you are going to be DROPPING SERIOUS ANCHOR in the GotG quadrant of the Marvel Universe by the time you leave.
*This post is spoiler free!*
Here is why you're going to need to tear that Superman quilt cover off your bed and get ready to replace it with one of the Guardians...
It is partly set in, and A LOT inspired by, the '80s. Peter Quill (hunk-a-dunk Chris Pratt, in super goofy, ridiculously hot form) is beamed from Earth in 1988 by a space pirate (basically), taking with him nothing but a backpack and a walkman with a mix tape. The rest of the movie is frozen in a Double Dare-like '80s alter-universe of neon colors, tie-dye nebulas and funky funky tunes. Take that, boring brown Wonder Woman!
Back to Peter Quill's goofiness. His superhero alterego is "Star-Lord," but he's basically the only one who uses his nickname. Early on, you basically want to tell him, "Stop trying to make Star-Lord happen," but you will also vomit laughter when you see "Star-Lord" dancing his way across an abandoned planet—man, does he have da groove. Obviously, the biggest problem with Star Wars 1-3 was "not enough hip thrust."
Tasty henchmen action. Korath the Pursuer is Solomon Vandy from Blood Diamond! If Korath/Solomon was chasing me down like he was Star-Lord, I wouldn't have been able to cope with the constant peeing.
ROCKET THE RACCOON. Rocket, played by old blues himself, Bradley Cooper, looks like Fantastic Mr. Fox crossed with one of the fierce "cute things" from Adventure Time. Like Star-Lord, he doesn't like it when people don't take him seriously—you don't mess with a mutant raccoon when he has a gigantic space gun. DON'T PAT THE RACCOON.
GROOT. The Ent-like fellow you see in all the posters is in fact a humanoid plant named Groot—strong, if short on vocabulary (a bit of a Lenny if you know what we mean). For some reason, Vin Diesel plays Groot. Why? He doesn't even really have any lines (okay, he has several, but they are pretty much all the same). This has to have been the cushiest acting job any working actor has taken since the guys who played the talking door handles in Labyrinth. Have you ever cried out of love for a tree? You will.
*We shall start using the words "I", "am" and "Groot" from hereon, exclusively in that order*
The plot revolves around an all-powerful Infinity Stone. We have said it before and we will say it again: THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH MOVIES ABOUT BADDIES STEALING POWERFUL GLOWING STONES. Thank you, Marvel, for bringing back colorful, planet-destroying rocks.
Human fanart Zoe Zaldana plays Gamora, tough adopted daughter of Thanos and possible love interest for Peter Quill? Don't worry, this isn't just another "hot guy falls for hot girl" cookie cutter setup—there is no guarantee she is going to fall for his pelvic sorcery.
This movie is FUNNY. Superhero movies have been super serious for a while, but this movie is almost Spaceballs like in taking the piss out of recent movies like The Avengers and Transformers. "Well, here we are, all standing," says Rocket at one poignant moment when the gang put aside their differences to save the galaxy, "a bunch of idiots standing in a circle." ROFL.
The music could not BE more awesome. Marvel have used a bunch of songs from the '70s and '80s and they fit bizarrely well in the futuristic sci-fi setting, which makes sense, because people's idea of the future was WAY COOLER in the '80s (see: Back to the Future).
You are going to freak at the cosplay opportunities in this colorful, kinda '60s, kinda '80s space odyssey. Halloween this year is going to be CHOICE.
(Stay tuned for the post-credits)
Now we all just have to wait for Guardians of the Galaxy 2...
CAN YOU WAIT? DID YOU SEE IT? WHAT DID YOU LOVE?