In Our Dreams: Classes We WISH They'd Offered in High School
In high school, the teachers told us over and over again that we would need trigonometry, but we have long since forgotten how sine and cos work and have yet for a hypotenuse to thwart our dreams.
What classes would have been useful in place of advanced trig? Maybe “NOT Locking Your Keys in the Car with the Car Running 101” or perhaps “How to Tweeze Your Eyebrows without Removing Them Completely.” Now THESE we can get behind. THESE are serious adult things we all need to know. THESE we would’ve probably failed, but we actually would’ve learned something because failure is a beautiful thing.
Get your Change.org petitions fired up. These are the classes that would make this school year a serious contender for G.O.A.T.
Geometry 212: Using Angles to Look Amazing in EVERY Photo
Everyone knows the hand-on-the-hip pose that makes us all feel like Michelle Obama, but that’s for amateurs! And let’s face it, with all the photo opportunities that arise simply from being in high school, this class would be everything. Ideally taught by a current or former model, or at the very least someone who has found major success with YouTube tutorials, this will show you how to maximize your hotness. And everyone will feel good about themselves forever!
Surviving in a Post-Apocalyptic World
It’s gonna happen at some point, might as well be prepared right?! This course will teach you how to pack a go-bag, strategically bury supplies, purify water, dress wounds, find the leaves that fix the jabberjay stings, rock a japara, defend yourself and hunt. You’ll also watch instructional movies like World War Z and The Hunger Games—and if you play your cards right, the teacher will let you hang out in her fallout shelter. (SIDE NOTE: They basically teach this in Switzerland.)
How to Be an Early Trend Adopter
Learn how to spot the upcoming fashion trends and incorporate them into your outfits so that people are like “ERMAHGERD SO HAWT” and not like “Umm what are you doing?” You’d obsess over every fashion week (because there’s like five billion of them) and travel abroad at least once to just walk the streets and stalk people’s swag.
Jobs that Don’t Involve Dying Slowing Inside a Cubicle
Don’t listen to your parents! (Unless your parents are stunt drivers, then yes, listen to your parents)! There are jobs to be had in this world that don’t require you to eat from the lukewarm 9-to-5 buffet of sadness. (Truth time: if you want to be a stock broker or something like that, this class is probs not for you) But if you’ve dreamed of making a comfortable living as a dog groomer or Uber driver, this is the one you wanna take. No suits! No meetings!
Life Skills to Learn so you Don’t Have to Pay Someone Else to Do it
There are so many things you pay professionals to do for you that (SPOILER ALERT) you really don’t have to. This class will Yoda the following for you:
• Changing the oil on your car
• Cutting your own bangs/hair
• Cooking restaurant-quality meals
• Espresso machines
• Sewing and tailoring your own clothes
• and so much more!
How to DIY Juuuust Enough to Impress People
Glue guns, pretty cursive writing, hem tape—this is the big three of DIY-ing. And you don’t need to be crafty, oh no way. It’s probably better if you’re NOT crafty because the idea behind this class is fooling people into think you’re crafty… not actually being crafty. Because it just takes so much effort. (Sparkitor note: Hem tape? Please tell us more...)
Win Every Halloween Costume Contest Ever
Get your game face on. You’re about to unlock the secrets of the best Halloween costumes of all time: believably dressing as a person of a different gender than you are, anything that requires foam and an interior wire structure, special effects makeup, and making yourself look so much like a zeitgeist-y celeb that people ask for your autograph.
Advanced Choir: TV Show Theme Songs
An hour of singing TV show theme songs that we all know and love. That’s literally it.
Others to fill out your sched:
- J. Law: Steal Her Power
- Breaking in Your New Converses FAST
- Win Every Verbal Argument You’ll Ever Have For all Eternity
- Flirting for Dumb Idiots
- #NoFilter: In Life and on Instagram
Which classes do you wish your school would add to the curriculum?