A Guide to Being a Potato
All of us feel a bit "different" from time to time, but some of us have it harder than others: those of us who are potatoes. This piece will guide you through the particulars of being a potato, from finding your identity as a potato, to living as a potato, to being the best potato you can be.
How do I know if I'm a potato?
Potatoes are generally born knowing that while they feel tuberous, they are cut out for greatness. Harry Potter was a potato (note his Pringles-shaped glasses), coming into his own by book seven as a powerful game-changing tuber, as was Anna Kendrick (an exceedingly beautiful potato). Jennifer Lawrence has resisted the pressure from Hollywood to shed her potato skin and emerge a celery, thrusting her divots into photos of other celebrities to show just how grounded she truly is.
Potatoes usually learn to pwn their potatoeness at a young age, developing endearing protuberances to compensate for their variation from the norm of bland celery.
You might be a potato if you have ever yelled out, "I am SUCH A POTATO today," or "Wrap me in foil and bake me because I am all potatoed out."
You might be a potato if you have ever woken up late for school, only to find you've grown a third arm out of your lower back.
If you can't stomach the thought of eating fries, you might be a potato.
How can I find other potatoes?
The problem with finding other potatoes is that many of them are, by nature, buried, hiding under a pile of rubbish, or lying camouflaged by a plate of buffalo wings.
Look for other potatoes in dark, dry places, like pantries, band rooms, cons, art camps, coffee houses, costume shops, and internet open threads. Offer them the universal potato greeting of slapping your forehead and then clearly enunciating, "Barf."
If you see a potato you want to be more than tubers with, you will need to sidle up quietly, then fall on your face while in their periphery. Retreat, and wait for them to come to you.
The more potatoes you find, the happier you will be.
How do I take steps toward becoming a better potato?
It is no coincidence that many potatoes come to learn their true identity during adolescence—a time of great flux, physiologically. This not only complicates the process of self-acceptance, but can make it difficult for those around you to understand what you're going through. Your parents, loving as they may be, might not be able to comprehend what it is like to wake up in your childhood bed one summer's morning and realize that you are a dusty, lumpy Idaho potato and have shed all over your flannelette sheets. They may be accepting, but the onus will still be on you to take your green nubs out into the world on a process of discovery.
One day, you will have your own potato sack, but if you're still living at home, you will have to be forgiving of your foibles as you learn how to walk through doorways without becoming jammed, and how to hug without scratching loved ones with your hardened divots. You will need to devise your own hygiene routine. (Loofah once in a while, eh?)
As you learn to accept yourself as a potato, you can begin to celebrate your taterness.
You might try out harem pants and discover they were TAILOR-MADE FOR ROUNDED ENDS. You might accessorize with some neon makeup. You might shake your tater at an outdoor concert, like you have never shaken it before. Try anything and everything; your goal is to shake your inner potato loose.
What if people don't like my taterness?
Listen up: Along the way, you are going to encounter people who don't appreciate your shaking tater, your flair, your booming potato voice, your high-kicking chips. They won't understand what you have been through to attain potato zen, nor the joy that you find in living life one bulbous moment of elation to another.
There is a sacred mantra within the potato community...
Repeat it to yourself often.
Remember that some of the world's greatest potatoes weren't recognized in their time. Galileo was sliced and fried for his beliefs, and Emily Dickinson was left to turn green during her lifetime. And don't forget pool old potato Vincent van Gogh, who took the vegetable slicer to his own head. Overall, it is a great time to be a potato—a tater renaissance, you might say.
There is another saying; a next-level tater koan...
And know that you will always have our soft, bendy protuberances on your side.
ARE YOU A POTATO?