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35 Signs You Are a YA Villain

35 Signs You Are a YA Villain

By Brandon Specktor

The Giver/Mazerunner/Divergent/Hunger Games/Twilight stills from Walden Media/20th Century Fox/WB/Summit Entertainment/Lionsgate

We all harbor dark thoughts from time to time. Stand by your friends at orientation, or bad-mouth them to impress some cool jerk? Engage your rivals in public debate, or poison their families and nuke District 13?

The wrongest decision sometimes feels oh so right. The good news is that making some crappy choices doesn’t make you a crappy person; making A BUTTLOAD of them does.

If you’re worried that you’re more of a Slytherin than a Gryffindor in the story of your life, check yourself against this handy list of common antagonist habits. If five or more apply, we may be chanting your name in next month’s cult rally!

You may be a YA villain if…

  1. Your phone’s autocorrect has memorized “MUAHAHA.”
  2. You have matching tattoos with your BFFs (Boneless Fanged Followers)
  3. You were named after a Roman emperor + a thing that can kill you (Gaius Magma… Lucius Deathsquad… Marius Embarrassment…)
  4. Your direct subordinates have names like Slugbutt, Kideater, and Killatrix McMurderSneer.
  5. You wear all-black because a fancy cape-monger once told you, “It totally matches your soul.”
  6. Your wand chose you—"heavy and pointy; oak with a core of asbestos."
  7. You’ve asked a werewolf, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” (“Probably still quenching my limitless thirst for manblood, honestly.”)
  8. You expected world domination would be as easy as taking parents from a baby.
  9. After a romantic night in a science lab, you’ve told a date: "It's not you, it's eugenics."
  10. Sometimes you worry that your friends are only your friends because you turned them into vampire slaves.
  11. None of your party guests are touching the Nightlock tarts you baked them.
  12. There’s an old Quileute legend that describes what a dick you are.
  13. Your perfect Friday night is updating a spreadsheet called “Things my nemesis will miss.”
  14. People keep sending you “blood and roses” cologne for father’s day, even though you don’t have any kids.
  15. Your missed connections look like this: "You were by the cornucopia, teeth filed into points, and our eyes met over the corpse of a pre-teen. You smiled, then threw an axe at someone. We had a moment."
  16. You’d rather have ultimate power than a nose.
  17. When playing rock, paper, scissors, you always go with avada kedavra.
  18. You have separate inboxes for “Cults,” “Covens,” and “Cabals.”
  19. There’s a post-it note on your desk that just says “Kill all children???”
  20. You have instilled in your children the importance of a) loyalty to the family, and b) the ability to grow organs.
  21. You may live in the Capitol, but you always find time to visit honest, small-town folks in their homes (and burn them down).
  22. You don't like the new boy. You JUST DON'T TRUST HIM. You stare DAGGERS AT HIM. You DAGGER HIM.
  23. The leading cause of death in your organization is poorly-timed monologues.
  24. In high school you were voted “most likely to emerge from shadows.”
  25. It seems your entire life has been narrated from someone else’s POV, and they don’t get you AT ALL.
  26. You’ve never had an S.O., but you have sucked a lot of neck-blood.
  27. You're a very good employee, whether your employer is a small bakery or a totalitarian regime.
  28. You are such a phoney.
  29. Revenge WILL BE YOURS!!!!!
  30. Oops—you were foiled by your own hubris.
  31. You take pleasure in the small things in life, like roses covered in blood.
  32. You sold the most chocolate.
  33. You are such a conch-hogger.
  34. But you would’ve gotten away with it, if not for that non-traditional family of soul-searching teens.
  35. You are literally cancer.

How villainous are you?

Topics: Books, Life
Tags: villains, books we love, ya novels, signs, dystopia, signs you're ____, #16: you’d rather have ultimate power than a nose

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About the Author
Brandon Specktor

For 22 years, Brandon was a fat kid living in Tucson, AZ, which gave him lots and lots of time to write. He now works at a magazine in New York City, but still loves writing almost as much as he loves muffins.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.