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25 Thoughts I Had During Divergent (As Someone Who Knew Absolutely Nothing About It)

25 Thoughts I Had During <em>Divergent</em> (As Someone Who Knew Absolutely Nothing About It)

Summit Entertainment

I just saw Divergent, and I'll concede that I am probably the last person on Earth to have done so. I've never read the books. I had no idea what it was about. I was able to remain totally and completely unspoiled, which, given the percentage of my misguided life that I devote to scrolling slack-jawed on tumblr, is nothing short of a miracle. Or a sign that the apocalypse is nigh. One or the other. I guess we'll see. Anyway, onto my thoughts and speculations (most of which were probably wrong or silly) as a total Divergent newbie:

1. I’m never going to remember Marcus as a physical human entity. I forgot what he looked like almost immediately. I can't imagine anything harder than being asked to describe him.

2. Is this The Hunger Games meets 1984 meets The Giver?

3. The Dauntless faction is basically just the party faction, yes? I bet they know how to have fun. I bet they have pizza fights.

4. When the Dauntless faction first arrived, jumping off their train and frolicking to the center of the action, I couldn’t help but wonder if they practiced that. I bet they practiced that. I bet they had the time of their lives doing it, too. I want to be Dauntless.

5. Choosing factions is kind of like if the Hogwarts Sorting Ceremony got really barbaric all of a sudden, and whole families were torn asunder, and no one had any fun at all.

6. If someone had told me that I needed to jump on a train, and then off a train, and then into a bottomless pit to gain access to the party faction, I’d be out of there. That’s just a lot of jumping, all for the exclusive right to do even more jumping.

7. This movie made interesting use of upbeat pop music.

8. Of course Shailene Woodley volunteers to jump first. That’s how all the other characters figure out they’re not the protagonist and this isn’t their movie.

9. Shailene Woodley has been jumping off things for about fifteen minutes and her hair still looks so good.

10. Does Eric kind of look like the evil version of Macklemore?

11. Shailene Woodley’s worst fight is still a million times better than my best fight. There would’ve been a lot more half-hearted slapping, and also some floundering, and I would’ve curled into a ball and rolled right out of the ring.

12. Why do Will, Al, and Peter look like practically the same person? I can tell them apart when they’re all lined up together, but if we catch one of them on their own, forget about it. I decided to just call them all Stan as a conglomerative, all-purpose name so I would always be right. I'm 99% I'm the only one who had this problem.

13. For that matter, what’s up with Will and Al? Do they have any distinctive personality traits? Peter I can figure out because he’s always being a major tool in some capacity, but the other two… I know one of them is smart. That's it. That's all I've got. I'm such a failure.

14. If someone dropped me right in the middle of a dystopian future, I'd probably be the first to die.

15. When I played Capture the Flag as a kid, it involved not only getting to the flag but also retrieving it. There was none of this "wave it from atop a structure after kicking someone’s butt while everyone below cheers in celebration" business. The game did not stop simply because you touched the flag. You were lucky if you didn’t run into a brick wall of suddenly frantic nine-year-olds and have the flag wrested from you while they beat you with tiny sticks. (I think I was playing Capture the Flag with all the wrong people. I got caught up in a bad crowd.)

16. Four’s tattoo is really subtle. I wonder if he’s a Divergent.

17. I would’ve defected to the factionless part of the world so long ago it’s not even funny.

18. I spent half of this movie not wanting to disappoint Kate Winslet. I spent the second half thinking she was kind of a total asshat, but still wanting to make her proud, sort of. How does she do that? (Note: I am aware that I was not personally in the movie. I'm aware of this on a basic level. I'm also aware that she was the villain. It made little difference.)

19. Tris’ dad really had no plan besides "TIME TO BRING THE RUCKUS," did he?

20. Ansel Egort is the dorkiest human runner in all of existence.

21. Marcus is a stupid idiot. Why was he invited along?

22. The best part of Marcus in this movie was when he couldn’t get on the train and his face just started doing its own thing. (I’ll remember him now.)

23. Is that wall really keeping anything in or out? Couldn't you just go right through it? Am I wrong?

24. Who's the conductor on this train?

25. I no longer think Dauntless is the party faction.

We definitely choke-laughed at #s 19-21. This may be our favorite review of Divergent so far! Have you seen the movie (without reading the books first)?

Topics: Life, Celebs & Stuff
Tags: funny things, movie reviews, movies we love, blockbusters, divergent, divergent movie, dauntless is definitely the party faction, funny movie reviews

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About the Author

In real life, she goes by the name Courtney Gorter. This is a closely guarded secret, and you're the only one who knows about it, so be cool. You can follow her on Twitter or check out her website if you want, but it's just going to be a lot of complaining.

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