Skip over navigation

How to Survive No Socks Day

How to Survive No Socks Day

By Ashley Brooke Roberts

iStock

Today is no socks day. That’s right, people from all walks of life are celebrating the day by wearing their shoes with NO SOCKS and we here at SparkLife see 100 ways this could go wrong. Well, really only a few ways, but we think everyone should take precautions nonetheless. We’ve spent the past few months staying up to the wee hours arguing, theorizing, and speculating ways to survive this monstrosity of a holiday. Here is our finished product: a field guide to surviving No Socks Day.

  1. Don’t leave the house.
  2. Do maintain unwavering eye-contact when talking to someone. Do not let those eyes roam, friend! You might catch an image of someone’s naked ankles, or even worse, bare feet. The horror!
  3. Eat alone. Nothing ruins a meal quicker than the sight of a stranger’s toes.
  4. Cary a bouquet of flowers with you at all times. In case of emergency (foot odor) bury your head in the fragrant blossoms and dissociate from the world. Hum the theme song to Golden Girls and imagine you are on a tropical island.
  5. Suggest wrapping your friend’s feet in a fine cotton gauze. When they replies “Isn’t that just a sock?” look shocked and say “Heavens no! It is a skin supporter for your ground touchers.”
  6. Invest in a high-end baby powder. When your feet become sweaty in their shoes, and they will young scholar, they will, sprinkle your baby carrots (fun way to refer to toes) with the luxurious white powder and watch the sweat literally go up in smoke (smoke = powder clouds from the foot dustings).
  7. Get a pedicure. If someone is going to see your feet, make sure they look good.
  8. On that note, why not draw smiley faces on your toes? We think that would make the baby carrots more likable. Who doesn’t enjoy being smiled at? And by 10 baby carrots at that! We rest our case.
  9. Consider wearing socks and pretending that you are not.
  10. Repeat in the mirror “I love your Birkenstocks” 50 times before you leave the house, so it comes naturally when you are put on the spot.
  11. Consider talking about your foot phobia to a therapist.
  12. No? Too real? Thinly disguise your fear of feet in a jokey-post about No Socks Day for a blog of your choice.
  13. Wear clown shoes. They will give your feet enough room to breath and will definitely hide your entire foot from view.
  14. Consider all the babies that spend most of their time sock-less. Imagine you are a baby.
  15. Go out and buy some really awesome socks. Maybe a cool pattern or a nice fabric. Look at them throughout the day and say “I’m waiting for you,” whenever the pressure gets too much.
  16. Consider a foot fan.
  17. Poke holes in your sneaker so your feet can “breathe” through out the day.
  18. Apologize for the smell.
  19. Slather your ankles with SPF. Believe it or not, ankles get some of the most sun damage over one’s life because they are the most neglected area when it comes to applying sun protection. On top of that, socks protect the ankles from the UV rays and going sock-less means they are exposed! Protect them with some good old fashioned sunscreen.
  20. Understand that some people have weird toes.
  21. Slip into reverie about how all of these irregularities make a person a unique individual in a world of other unique individuals. Celebrate our differences.
  22. Wear pantyhose. They are not technically socks.
  23. Wash your feet multiple times throughout the day.
  24. Invest in a first aid kit in case of glass punctures or snake bites.
  25. Have a long sit down with your feet where you say “I love you, I love you, I love you” over and over again. Also try “you are beautiful to me,” repeatedly, until you believe it yourself.
  26. Write a poem to your feet forgiving them of their weird odor and strange stubby half-fingers. Thank them for all the cool stuff they do (getting you places, supporting your body, etc.)

There you go! Now march off young sock-less-solider into the war on sweat and smells.

How are you coping, Sparklers?

Topics: Life, Advice
Tags: lists, coping, survival, how to deal, this is real, look ma no socks!, no socks day, sock it to me

Write your own comment!


Write your own comment!


About the Author
Ashley Brooke Roberts

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor living in Brooklyn. She's a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and can usually be found smiling at random dogs on the street. Follow her on twitter at @AshleyBRoberts.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.