Test: Do You Have Good Confidence?
Second only to a cheetah that burps diamonds, confidence is the most important weapon in every successful person’s arsenal. Confidence makes bad ideas sound good, wrong answers sound right, and otherwise average musicians or actors look like virile sex daemons.
The following ten questions will determine whether you have the confidence to achieve your life’s dreams, and how long it’ll take you. Keep track of your answers. The number next to each answer you choose is also the number of points you’ll earn for that question. Tally your total points at the end to determine your Ultimate Confidence Score.
Note: There is one extra credit question.
Second Note: There isn’t one. BEGIN TESTING NOW!!!
Do you ever cross the street just to avoid someone?
- Yes. I will move to a new city to avoid someone.
- Sometimes, if I can smell them before I see them.
- No, but I will always cross the street to flaunt my butt at someone.
Do you already regret the answer you chose for question one?
- Yes. My whole body is shaking and my tongue tastes like spiders.
- No… but I’m beginning to regret opening this page.
- Enough games. Next question.
Do you ever prepare for social events by saying encouraging things to yourself in the mirror?
- Yes—this is also why I keep spare mirrors under my eyelids.
- No, but I do whisper-sing “Eye of The Tiger” over and over into my armpits.
- I tried that once, but I was so inspiring my reflection set out to seize her fortune. I think she works for Cirque du Soleil now.
On the first day of class, you prefer to sit…
- In the far back corner, enrobed in my oaken bookshelf costume.
- In the second or third row; cozy “B+” territory.
- Front and center, on the teacher’s lap.
How often do you raise your hand in class?
- Never; even if I know the answer, I never know when my speaking voice could be replaced with wet farts.
- Only in English class when the answer is “open to interpretation” (i.e., “a parade of fancy lies”)
- As long as it takes for every last person in this room to high-five me.
A popular student has just complimented your new haircut. You respond by saying…
- “LIES. I am a wretched slag and you are a Queen of Deception.”
- “I literally had nothing to do with it, but thank you for the kind words!”
- “Thanks! It’d look really good on you too.” [Your haircut suddenly divides like a cell in mitosis and begins affixing itself to other students’ heads. Soon all will know: it is the One True Haircut.]
In the school play, your ideal role is…
- At home playing Minecraft.
- Jovial Pirate #2 (four lines, plus a jig!).
- Everyone else’s.
In class, you prefer to write with…
- Pencil. I don’t trust my hands, or eyes, or brain, or butt (but that’s another story).
- Pen. If I make a mistake, there’s no sense in hiding it. I’d rather prove I’ve learned from it.
- Fire. It may not last forever, but it’s sure hard to ignore! Ha! haHA! [twitches]
You asked your crush to prom, but he says, “I’m waiting for an answer from someone else. Can I get back to you?” You respond…
- “Sure! I’ll just stand here and breathe on your neck until you decide.”
- “Nope, too late. A date with me must be a man’s first choice, or not at all.”
- “Sure! I totally underst—WHOA, what is that girl doing to her bra??” [when your crush looks away, sap him with a candlestick and fit his unconscious body for a tux that matches your dress]
Popular acting boy Liam Hemsworth is walking down the street toward you. You respond…
- (to self) “This looks like a job for my trusty oaken bookshelf costume!” [vanishes into literature]
- “Hey, you’re hot. You should be an actor.”
Walk into your school’s library or computer room and proclaim, “The Hobbit films are vastly superior to the Lord of The Rings films!” If one or more people in the room are now using their computer mice as nunchucks to bludgeon you about the head and neck, you spoke with confidence. Add an additional 3 points to your total.
TALLY YOUR ULTIMATE CONFIDENCE SCORE NOW
10-15 points: You have low confidence. You are averse to risks and uncomfortable situations, which for you is any situation that doesn’t require a Snuggie. You would rather not try at all than try and fail, so you stick to the things you know. Unfortunately, the thing you know best is solitude, and life can be lonely on the edge of the herd. You may sometimes worry about becoming prey—but lucky for you, solitude allows time to go deep and master a craft, which the herd finds pretty damn sexy. Practice speaking loudly and proudly about the things you make. Just not in the bathroom.
16-26 points: You have average confidence. Like most people on Earth, you are a little uncomfortable in your own skin, but not so uncomfortable that it prevents you from rubbing that skin against other people’s faces from time to time. Success doesn’t come easily to you, but you may one day live in the house of your dreams (or at least in the same neighborhood) after lots and lots of hard work. So just keep working away at your own pace—and don’t be afraid to push one of those high-confidence jerks down the stairs if he’s blocking your way.
27-33 points: You, sir or madame, have high @#$%^&* confidence! You are proud of your victories as well as your mistakes, and charge toward risk with fearless ignorance. You are the type of person who ends up with lots of power, despite being the most dangerous type to wield it. Your brazen personality may be compensating for some deep-rooted insecuri-tree growing in your heart. Lucky for you, your life will be so full of adventure and opportunity that you’ll seldom have time to stop and scream about it.
How confident are you?
Confident we’ve misjudged you?
Speak proud truths in the comments section.