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Dispatch From Life Under the Infant King

Dispatch From Life Under the Infant King

By Andrew Tavin

James Whatling / Splash News

It has been three weeks since the Queen, Prince William, and Duchess Kate abdicated their rights to the British crown of cuteness. Since then, life under King George has been trying. This is an account of life in the empire under the infant king.

First of all, it's a lot more dangerous now that everyone must walk around with their hands over their face at all times, simply so they can be periodically be removed from their face with an exclamation of "peekaboo" for the king's amusement.

It has also been difficult to access out-houses and automobiles ever since the king demanded the country turn over all their keys to create the jingle-iest key ring ever. Oh how the king giggles at the shaking of that enormous key ring.

Meanwhile, we toil in the mashed pea fields day and night. I was an insurance appraiser, but when I tried to tell the king that, all he said was "goooo-ah?" and then clapped, clumsily.

Furthermore, I'm worried about our national defense. The Royal Navy has been but a shadow of its former self since the king declared the destruction of all battleships that couldn't fit in his bathtub. The Royal Air Force has been diminished to the point that their only duty now is to direct food on a spoon into the king's young mouth.

And we may need our military force, since the king seems to be a poor diplomat. When he last met with Chancellor Angela Merkel, he blew a raspberry in her face.

Fie, he dissolved the entire British Parliament! And those of Australia and New Zealand! Obviously, he couldn't express this verbally, but he just kept crying until they left. Now both houses have been entirely taken over by the Teddy Bear Party. Instead of taxes, everyone just has to turn over their shiny stuff, which is... kind of nice, but I feel like this will eventually become problematic once we need to fund government services.

Bizarrely, the one thing that the infant king seems to have a great handle on is his new secret police force. My neighbour Jeff wrote a blog post that said something negative about the Teletubbies last week, and hasn't been seen since.

If we ever expect to return to a semblance of normal life, we have to make a stand! We need to rise up and put the king in timeout! We have to... what was that?! I think I heard something at the door.

You must share my story! No one has been able to overcome the incredible adorableness of the king! Even when people have tried to oppose him, he just grabs one of his feet which causes him to tumble over backwards and start crying and then they feel they must do whatever they can to care for him. Don't buy into it!

He broke down the door, there isn't much... oh! My highness. No no, I wasn't doing anything, just boring grown-up work. Don't shake your hands like that! It's... so CUTE! Awwwww. You have the chubbiest cheeks! Who's a good king? Who's a good king? You know what, disregard this post. Long live the king!

Have you fallen victim to the king's Reign of Adorability?

Topics: Life, Celebs & Stuff
Tags: england, satire, funny, diaries, prince william, royalty, britain, the queen, the reign of terribly pinchable cheeks, kings, dispatches, prince george, duchess kate

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About the Author
Andrew Tavin

Andrew Tavin is a writer and stand-up comedian living in New York City. His work has been featured on Upworthy and Collegehumor. He writes pretty mediocre bios and can be followed on Twitter @andrewtavin.

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