Skip over navigation

So, You Want a Pet Direwolf...

So, You Want a Pet Direwolf...

By Anthony DeVito

BBC / YouTube/ExploreWesteros

Loyal! Enormous! Cuddly! It’s easy to understand why someone would want to have a pet direwolf. But before you tell your parents you're responsible enough to take on a mythological beast, there are a couple things to consider...

They have bad breath, and we don't mean you'll catch a whiff of, like, onions or fish. Their breath smells like Khal Drogo’s arm pits after a long day of horse riding across the Dothraki Sea.


(YouTube)

They don't respond well to people with blonde hair. Direwolves hold a grudge and they have not forgotten what was done to them at the hands of the Lannisters.

It’s not easy to train them, as they really only take direction from members of House Stark (and don't try taking your direwolf to a trainer—it will not end well for Cesar Milan).

When a direwolf feels threatened, they do more than just bite—they will rip you apart. You'll need to always have treats and be pleasant around them. Having a pet direwolf is a lifestyle change, meaning you’re at their mercy. If they say jump, it’s “how high.” And, if they say jump you should run, because they’ve learned English and become all the more dangerous.


(YouTube)

They’re scared of thunder. And swords.

They love the cold. As mentioned, their memories are very strong, so they feel an innate sense of paranoia in a Southern climate. It’s best to keep the temperature of the house at a brisk 2°F.

They don’t make good show wolves. If, you’re looking for that sort of thing, may we suggest a crossbreed like a "poodle wolf" or "dira inu" (so wolf. much warging. wow).

They’re very large animals, so if you live in New York City and have a small apartment, we wouldn’t recommend it.


(YouTube)

Their appetite is as big as their stature. You will want to have a good amount of goat bones and raw meat in the house. It’s a good idea to invest in another fridge or turning your bedroom into a meat locker. You can sleep on the couch. As we said before, this is a lifestyle change. So, get a comfy sofa or don’t get a dire wolf.

Their poop is as a big as their appetite. A regular-sized poop bag isn't going to cut it out on the streets—you'll need a small wagon with tarpaulin to cart the poop home in the a.m. and p.m.

They’re great around kids. If your child has become paralyzed, but in the process has gained tremendous psychic abilities, the dire wolf can act as a vessel for him to walk.  Also, if he can’t leave the house to eat, he can posses the wolf’s spirt and grab something from the meat locker.


(YouTube)

They don’t recognize boundaries and are very nosy animals. Also, politically speaking, they’re very opinionated, leading to some awkward situations at family barbecues. Especially around 9/11 truthers.

Do you still want a direwolf?

Topics: Books
Tags: pets, funny, magic, george r. r. martin, game of thrones, nymeria, ghost, house stark, direwolves, wolves

Write your own comment!


Write your own comment!


About the Author
Anthony DeVito

Anthony DeVito is a NYC based comic. Originally from New Jersey, he was featured as one of the "New Faces" at the 2012 Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, recently taped a Gotham Comedy Live on AXS TV, performed at the 2013 Bridgetown Comedy Festival and 2013 SF Sketchfest, and is also the former host of "Say What?!" on the NOC TV. You can follow him on Twitter @anthonydevito_

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.