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16 Signs You Were a Leash Kid

16 Signs You Were a Leash Kid

By Anthony DeVito

Shutterstock

That man is a little off! That’s because, as a boy, he was never off... the LEASH, that is! Here’s a couple ways you can tell you were a leash kid!

  1. When you see a dog chained to a fence or a bike rack you feel the urge to call your parents.
  2. You have severe intimacy issues. Not in the sense you can’t get close to someone. It’s the opposite, you need to be attached to someone at all times, either way by way of string or household rope.
  3. In your closet, there are more belts than shirts.
  4. You’re my friend Alex. He was a leash kid.
  5. When you walk your dog, the leash isn’t fastened to your wrist—rather, your waist.
  6. You don’t understand why hippies chain themselves to a tree for a cause. You’d chain yourself to a tree just because.
  7. One time you saw a mother walking with her unleashed son and you were overcome with crippling anxiety. So, you ran over to the boy and brought him back to his mother. Then, you said to the mother “sorry, he must have gotten off his leash.” Then, she explained to you her son is unleashed. At this point, you began to uncontrollably sob because you didn’t know that was a possibility.  The crying continued until she bought you an ice cream cone. 
  8. You have a blog. Alex has a blog.
  9. Every time you hear the phrase “unleash the hounds” you get misty eyed. And, every time you hear the song “Who Let the Dogs Out” you can’t help but dance.  The second one has nothing to do with being a leash kid. That beat is unbelievable.
  10. You had a lot of opinions about the movie Django Unchained.
  11. If you have a chain wallet. And, you like ska music. Also, your hair is dyed green or purple. Plus, you’re single.
  12. You’re Asian. Alex happens to be Asian.
  13. Once you went to a rock-climbing gym. After coming off the rock wall, you tried to leave the gym while still attached to the rock wall, thinking nothing of it.
  14. You’ve never kissed a girl. Once again, I’m talking about Alex. He’s come close, but nothing yet.
  15. One time Alex made up that he kissed a girl in middle school. But no one had ever heard or seen of this girl. He said she lived a town over from our town and they met at a parade, which seemed sketchy on its own—later we found out he was just going through the town obituaries and randomly picking names. He’s not someone I feel I can trust.
  16. He’s not a bad person, just untrustworthy, which could be the reason he was kept on a leash in the first place. His mother probably didn’t like the idea of him being out on his own, causing mischief. She either knew of his devious ways or was the cause of his devious ways. Maybe that’s why he acts out the way he does, making up stories. Whatever, he still lied about that girl in middle school.

Were you a leash kid?!

Topics: Life
Tags: parents, growing up, lists, funny, freedom, is this you?, signs you're ____, leash kids, (are you on a leash right now?)

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About the Author
Anthony DeVito

Anthony DeVito is a NYC based comic. Originally from New Jersey, he was featured as one of the "New Faces" at the 2012 Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, recently taped a Gotham Comedy Live on AXS TV, performed at the 2013 Bridgetown Comedy Festival and 2013 SF Sketchfest, and is also the former host of "Say What?!" on the NOC TV. You can follow him on Twitter @anthonydevito_

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.