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100 Ways to Explain Your Crying

100 Ways to Explain Your Crying

By Monique Madrid

SparkLife

100. "I've been cutting onions."

99. "I've been kissing onions."

98. "My contact tore." 

97. "I was gleeking out of my eye. It's a new skill I've picked up." 

96. "It's opposite day. I'm actually really happy."

95. "Just testing out my waterproof mascara." 

94. "I'm watering my nose... I have dry skin." 

93. "I'm not crying, I'm just filling a tiny pool in my eyes for the micro-germ's pool party"

92. "I think my body is rejecting my eyelash transplant."

91. "I'm leaking water from being TOO hydrated." 

90. "I'm starting a squirt gun fight, only my eyes are the guns. Wanna play?" 

89. "I'm washing a tissue." 

88. "I'm learning to blow bubbles out of my eyes." 

87. "I'm making soup... it's a family recipe." 

86. "Just measuring how much water I can hold in my eyeball." 

85. "This is a science experiment for school involving lights and prisms." 

84. "It's raining in my eye socket... Any chance you have a tiny umbrella I could borrow? "

83. "There's something in my eye (and it's a tear)." 

82. "I'm just practicing my Oscar-winning moment."

81. "I was yawning." 

80. "I have a rare condition that makes me cry (blood)."

79. "I was laughing really hard." 

78. "It's just a side effect of my medication." 

77. "I'm just sweating from my really hard working out. I have very strong eyeballs." 

76. "Too much sodium in my diet. This is just my body's way of expelling the excess salt." 

75. "Self-cleaning apparatus." 

74. "HORMONES! Now back off!!!"

73. "I thought you might be thirsty." 

72. "I poked my eye with my own finger."

71. "I just watched a really touching UpWorthy video."

70. "Someone dared me to cry. It's not real."

69. "I took a bite of a juicy orange and got squirted." 

68. "I've been staring at the sun." 

67. "I've been staring at your sun... yikes."

68. "That Sarah McLaughlin anti-cruelty dog commercial was just on and I'm not a monster."

67. "A witch put a tear curse on me."

66. "I'm doing a science experiment to see whether left or right tears fall faster."

65. "I'm oil-pulling, only in my eyes instead of my mouth, and with tears instead of oil." 

64. "I'm working on a water color painting, only I ran out of water." 

63. "You don't hear that high-pitched sound?"

62. "I have a mini rainforest in my eye." 

61. "I was in a fight with myself and I spit in my own eye. What can I say, I'm a dirty fighter." 

60. "Just juicing my eyes." 

59. "I have tiny scientists flying around in a tiny spaceship studying the inside of my body and the tear duct is their exit point." 

58. "I'm not crying, my glasses are just magnifying the natural glistening of my eyes." 

57. "I've been hypnotized to tear up whenever someone asks, 'Why are you crying?'" 

56. "I'm working on my manipulation skills. Maybe you should buy me a pony, so I'll be less sad. Did it work? "

55. "I'm just trying to help that girl over there who is actually crying, not feel alone." 

54. "Weird—the vapor rub is burning my eyes." 

53. "I have this weird thing where my eyes, not my mouth, water when I'm hungry."

52. "Yeah, I know. My eyes are really watering. Normally I pay a dentist to follow me around with that spit vacuum suck sucker thing, but he has the day off."

51. "Many countries consider it a sign of beauty. I'm not crying, I'm just being beautiful." 

50. "Trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the wettest face."

49. "I pee out my eyes." 

48. "It's just condensation." 

47. "I had sprinklers installed in my eyes." 

46. "I'm auditioning for 'The Biggest Baby.'" 

45. "Just got back from the optometrist, so my eyes are numb."

44. "Tried to cool off by splashing water on my face." 

43. "Crying is the new not-crying." 

42. "It's not real, it's a Craigslist gig. I'm getting paid to cry."

41. "I'm planning on getting a tear-shaped tattoo, so I need to find the perfect tear for them work off of." 

40. "I'm actually a two-year-old trapped in a teen's body. 

39. "Shh, I'm on a reality show. I'm creating drama."

38. When you're this perfect, there's no more room for left anything."

37. "I've been eating jalapeños all day."

36. "Ha! I pranked you. You really thought I was crying, didn't you?"

35. "I'm a superhero. Sympathy is my super power."

34. "I'm misting my salad like they do in the produce aisle at the grocery store."

33. "My pants are too tight."

32. "I'm allergic to my own eye."

31. "I've got a mini waterfall in there. It's the Eighth Wonder of the World."

30. "I got a sunburn on my eye. This is nature's way of soothing it."

29. "I'm not crying, but if I told you what I was doing, I'd have to kill you."

28. "I needed the extra money, so I sold the part of my eye that stops the tears from falling out."

27. "I'm the new Visine spokesperson."

26. "I was dancing really hard and the tears sprang free when my boogie got super loose."

25. "I'm really an anime character. We always look like we're tearing up."

24. "I'm collecting tears for those less fortunate."

23. "It's a new workout regimen. I've already lost four pounds in tears just this month!"

22. "I'm auditioning for America's Got Talent as an on-command cryer."

21. "I'm pushing the bad juju out of my mind." 

20. "It's against my new religion to not NOT have wet eyes." 

19. "My brain is leaking."

18. "I'm just copying you. Why are YOU crying?"

17. "I don't have a lower lid to hold in my eye's natural liquids."

16. "It must be my ex and  the voodoo doll in my likeness that he carries around."

15. "I've been eating Extreme Sour Warhead candies."

14. "It's a lot easier than going to the water fountain." 

13. "Too much Botox."

12."Where I'm from, tears are a sign of health and happiness." 

11. "I was defusing dynamite. You're welcome for saving your life." 

10. "Been trying to gag down my vegetables." 

9. "I'm a comedian working on my dark humor." 

8. "I'm not crying, I just got Google's new Microcamera Contact Lens. Because WE LIVE IN THE FUTURE!" 

7. "I was engaged in a staring contest with myself. Thanks to you, I just lost... and won!"

6. "What is that awful smell? It's making my eyes water." 

5. "Help! A strange man in a mask ran buy me and threw tears on my face. Someone catch him!" 

4. "I'm a special effects makeup artist. It's all smoke and mirrors, baby."

3. "I'm a crocodile. These are crocodile tears."

2. "It's not a tear, it's an implant piercing."

1. "You think this is crying? I'll show you crying!"

Uh, are you crying? Why?

Topics: Life, Advice
Tags: science, crying, lists, funny, 100 lists, feels, reasons, explanations, things to say when ___, i've got feels up to my eyeballs

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About the Author
Monique Madrid

Monique Madrid is a Los Angeles comedian, writer, actor and overall maker of things that are funny. Check out her dumb cartoons at badjokesworsedrawings.tumblr.com, follow her on Twitter @moniquemadrid and go to her website moniquemadrid.com. Or don't. I'm not your mom.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.