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Auntie SparkNotes: What If I'm Bad at the HND?

Auntie SparkNotes: What If I'm Bad at the HND?

Dear Auntie,
So I've never been in a relationship before, which in and of itself doesn't really bother me, except for the HND. I obviously haven't had any practice, and I don't really know what to do; I always kind of assumed I'd just figure it out as I went along. But recently a few of my less virginal friends have commented (with varying levels of vulgarity and dissatisfaction) about how much less fun HND and associated activities are when their partner hasn't done it before.

And now I'm all nervous. I've been with one guy, once (third base), and I'm still not really clear on how that went, so it doesn't really count.

And there's this guy. (I know, I know. But do I least get points for making it to the third paragraph?) He's really very sweet, and I'm pretty sure he likes me quite a lot, so intellectually I'm pretty sure he won't care very much that I'm a clueless virgin. But he's most definitely not a virgin and now I'm worrying about us (or if not him, me and some other guy) getting together and it being sh***y for him. Because I really do like him, and even I know that the HND is more fun when both parties are enjoying themselves.

So can someone/something explain any of this beforehand or am I really just doomed to (figuratively) sucking the first couple times around? Is there some way to make up for how much I'm apparently going to suck? And also some way to feel less self-conscious about all this?

Well, I can think of one right off the bat—and I'm just going to be super, duper, extra-strength blunt about it.

Basically: If you are a lady, and if you are planning to have intercourse with a gentleman, you do not require a special skill set or a bevy of experience to be "good" at the HND, because a) your body is already designed to be great at it, and b) your partner's body is designed not to be picky about how it gets its rocks off. It's just one of nature's mechanisms for ensuring the survival of the human race: that even if you have no idea what you're doing during sex, and even if you do nothing but lie back and think of England, the guy you're doing it with can still quickly, easily, effortlessly achieve a species-propagating, egg-fertilizing orgasm.

Which is not to say that you should lie back and think of England, because booooring, and because the HND is so much more fun when everyone involved is an active, enthusiastic participant. And of course, when it comes to another person's parts—particularly mysterious, dangling, alien parts which you yourself don't possess—there will always be a fumbly, awkward period while you learn your way around the equipment.

But that's true for every couple getting physical for the first time. Both of you, no matter how much previous experience you might have, will be starting at square one with an unfamiliar body. Both of you, no matter how much previous experience you might have, will need at least a few tries before you figure out how to have it together. And unless you do something really untoward (like, say, walloping your nude boyfriend in the crotch with a baseball bat while screaming, "EEEK! A SNAAAAAKE!"), any awkwardness that comes from your lack of experience in general will be more than eclipsed by the awkwardness of your mutual lack of experience with each other.

Not to mention that in all likelihood, any guy you fool around with is going to still be fumbling around your body well beyond the point at which you've gotten comfortable with his.

Which is another good thing to remember, as a lady: that you have the advantage (which is also, alas, a disadvantage) of having a body that your male partner is going to find it challenging to figure out. Your parts are a lot less straightforward, and lot more individually variable when it comes to what gets them going—and that's something no amount of prior experience can account for. Which means that rather than worrying about your personal suite of sexy skills, your primary concern should always be that you and any guy you're involved with can approach your physical relationship without embarrassment, and with honesty, communication, curiosity, and generosity.

From there, all you need is this: to vow that you'll only ever get naked with a partner who meets those criteria; someone who a) is open with you about what he likes, and curious about what you like, b) cares deeply that you enjoy yourself as much as he does, and c) understands that no matter what his experience level, every new relationship requires a learning curve and an open mind. Because when that happens, you'll both be way too focused on what you're doing together—and all the fun you're having in the process—to think twice about what you have or haven't done before.

And if he doesn't meet criteria a, b, and c? Don't sleep with him, because he's a troll.

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Topics: Uncategorized, Advice
Tags: auntie sparknotes, sex, virginity, hnd

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About the Author

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.

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