Search Menu

Auntie SparkNotes: I'm In Love With My Friend and I Don't Know What To Do

Auntie SparkNotes: I'm In Love With My Friend and I Don't Know What To Do

Dear Auntie,

I need help with an issue I have been facing for about 8 months now. At the beginning of the school year (I'm a sophomore in high school), I met this girl and found that we shared many things in common. We soon became great friends and helped each other often. Then, one of my guy friends told me that I became much more nervous around her and thought that I had fallen in love with her. I told him that the only reason I was acting different is because she was my first close female friend.

But when she went to the Homecoming dance with this other guy, I started to feel...disturbed. The next week, she was talking about how much fun she had and I realized that I had fallen for her. I didn't want this guy taking her away. But the rational side of me said, "Quit being ridiculous! Why would she fall for you anyway?" So, I just kept quiet for months on end, keeping my feelings to myself. We have become pretty close by now and I can't tell if she feels the same way about me. I have about as much luck in guessing as your average pebble.

There was also this recent incident where I got an anonymous note. She seemed pretty indifferent about it, and even let me compare her handwriting with the note. But I can't tell you the countless times I caught her looking at me during class. I'm absolutely torn on the inside. She's one of my best friends and I don't want to lose her. But every time I see her, I love her more. She's kinder than anyone I've ever met, is the most understanding when a person is having a problem, and she has that childish innocence that you never see in a person who's handling the same amount of work as the class president. Whenever she looks at me and smiles, I'm reminded a couple seconds later that I need to breathe in order to stay alive.

And that's great! So great! Except for one thing, Sparkler. Can you guess what that thing is?

Here, I'll give you a hint: it involves you confessing your feelings to me, a random, ancient internet hag with a heart made out of dryer lint, instead of to the person you feel them for.

Dude. DUDE. Duuuuuude. It is so incredibly necessary that you yank on your Confidence Pants and let this girl know that you like her, and that you do it sooner rather than later. Not just because she might very well return your feelings, and not just because your friendship is almost certainly strong enough to weather the fleeting awkwardness if she doesn't, but because your voiceless lovestruck pining is eventually going to drive you and her and everyone around you absolutely batshizz crazy. I mean, not to drive this point home with a sledgehammer or anything, but your feelings are already such that one of your guy friends has noticed and commented on them. And unless that guy friend is some sort of emotional psychic, and unless your beloved has the intuition and sense of a dirt clod, you can assume that your feelings probably aren't a secret to her, either.

Which brings me to this: This girl almost certainly knows, or at least suspects, that you like her. And although she hasn't made a move herself, and although you've seen her as "indifferent" on occasions when it seemed that somebody else might like you, it's also worth noting that she hasn't distanced herself from you, or conspicuously mentioned her crushes on other guys, or stopped eyeballing you across the room in a distinctly interested way.

And all together, that's more than enough reason for you to assume that you have a chance, and to get brave, take a deep breath, and say, "Have you ever thought that you and I could maybe be more than friends?" — and see if her answer is, "Yes, I have, and I'm so glad you asked."

But if you need one more point in favor of saying something, there's also this: When you say, "Why would she fall for [me] anyway?", Auntie wants to laugh like this — Wheeeeeeehahahahahahaaa!— and then violently forward you her entire inbox, screaming, "Why? Why?!Right here! THIS IS WHY!"

Because if my five years as a professional agony aunt have taught me anything at all, it's that at any given time, something like 85% of the teenage population is secretly and desperately in love with one of their friends. Trust me, you guys: it happens. It happens a LOT. It happens so much that if it stopped happening, I would be out of a job.

And while I can't tell you for sure, darling letter-writer, whether it's happening here, I can tell you that the laws which govern human hearts are very much in your favor. I can tell you that as the odds go, yours are pretty damn good. And I can also tell you that if your feelings turn out not to be requited, there's no reason why you and your friendship can't both survive, and go on to be better, stronger, and happier for your courageous honesty.

Now go forth, say some words, and make us all proud.

And then write back with an update, because heaven knows we're going to be biting our fingernails down to tiny bloody stumps until you do.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at
Want more info about how this column works? Check out the Auntie SparkNotes FAQ.

Topics: Uncategorized, Advice
Tags: auntie sparknotes, flirting, crushes, confidence

Write your own comment!

About the Author

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email