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43 Signs You're a Bad Kisser

43 Signs You're a Bad Kisser

By Kale Bogdanovs

We all want to be great kissers. But how do you know if you're not up to scratch? Here are some common signs.

  1. Your partner bleeds profusely from the face.
  2. Your partner has a recurring nightmare of drowning in stale coffee.
  3. The Imperial March starts playing out of nowhere when you make out.
  4. Facebook and Google only show you adds for chewing gum and mouthwash.
  5. You see a Mentos commercial and think "I could be that guy."
  6. Watching goldfish gives your partner a strange sense of deja vu.
  7. You think "suck face" is literal
  8. You are a snail.
  9. Your favorite make-out jam is "Killing in the Name Of."
  10. Birds don't suddenly appear every time you are near.
  11. You can never find any milky twilight.
  12. You can't remember the last time you flossed.
  13. No one seems to like you.
  14. Your date refuses to remove their scuba gear.
  15. Whenever you kiss someone, you imagine Matthew McConaughey coaching you through it.
  16. Your partner has to change their shirt after a make-out session.
  17. Your dentist wished you "good luck" at the end of your last checkup.
  18. Your partner starts laughing hysterically.
  19. Your partner starts crying hysterically.
  20. Lightening strikes.
  21. Chapsticks happen to other people.
  22. You have fewer than three stars on Yelp.
  23. You practice kissing drills with a pillow.
  24. You practice kissing drills with a pillow while playing the theme music from Rocky.
  25. You practice kissing drills with your dog while playing the theme music from Rocky.
  26. You practice kissing drills with your dog while playing the theme music from Milo and Otis.
  27. You practice kissing drills with your dog while playing the theme music from Milo and Otis, but stop long enough to sing "follow your nose, let's go explore!"
  28. Your ex-partners never kiss anymore, and their explanations for why not closely mirror the story of why the fat cop from Die Hard can't draw his gun.
  29. You can't decide whether to keep your eyes open or closed and compromise by blinking rapidly the whole time.
  30. You have no grasp of the appropriate time to eat a burrito.
  31. You proudly tell people that you invented the "Dolphin Kiss."
  32. In a tragic misunderstanding, you literally poured some sugar on him.
  33. You have to keep stopping to spit out chunks of earlobe.
  34. You don't own any scented candles.
  35. You own more than four scented candles.
  36. You spent so much time practicing tying cherry stems in your mouth that you forgot to ever kiss anyone.
  37. You try that thing with the spaghetti from Lady and the Tramp, but decide partway through that the spaghetti is too good to share and turn a sweet moment into a furious tug-of-war.
  38.  A gypsy woman told your mother before you were born that she was destined to birth the sacred Garlic Child.
  39. You proudly tell people you invented the "Manatee Kiss."
  40. They know you don't love them so.
  41. You can get your way in social situations by threatening to kiss people.
  42. You can't distinguish between the pen you nibble on while making seductive eye contact and the one you use to clean your ears.
  43. You stop mid-kiss, looking surprised, and exclaim "Oh! This must be the human activity known as 'Frenching!'"

Don't worry, no one gets good at kissing until they are in the forties, according to science (maybe). Have you ever kissed a manatee?

Topics: Life
Tags: kissing, lists, funny, signs, first kisses, kissing well, kissing badly, practicing, kiss consensus

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