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Fun With Google Suggestions!

Fun With Google Suggestions!

By Bo Larkin

 

We're often impressed by the accuracy of Google’s search suggestions. While it’s comforting to discover that others have frantically typed “How to remove gum from hair” into their search bar, it's embarrassing to become the pioneer who searched for “How to remove Jolly Rancher from nose.” Let’s use Google's real, actual search suggestions to see what people are searching for these days:

How Do I…

…put this gently? Apparently there are a whole lot of us asking Google how to tell our friends we can't stand their significant others, or that their new haircut makes them look like Justin Bieber.

…love thee? It is so sweet that so many of us are searching this quote by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Unless...has the robot revolution begun? The first step for a newly sentient robot is to Google the meaning and practice of human experiences like "love" and "going to the bathroom."

…get home? Oh, no. Where are you? Please leave your location in the comments section and we'll pick you up in the SparkLife Fun Bus of Adventure and Solace! And feed you milk and cookies! And give you a complimentary kitten! Then you will know you're home.

Where Is…

…Chuck Norris? Phew! We were worried we were the only ones concerned about the whereabouts of Chuck Norris. The obvious answer? Chuck Norris is simultaneously everywhere and nowhere.

…Sochi? We had no idea such a large number of cave dwellers had access to the interwebs.

Oak Island? We have a couple other Google searches that may interest all you treasure hunters hoping to find riches on this notorious Canadian island. Try “WHERE IS FREE MONEY” or “HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT WORKING.” Please let us know what you find.  

Sparklers are…

…us. Can you feel the love? We are so happy all of you have found a home in the online with us. Now we need a secret handshake and language. “Excuse me, but the unicorn launched over the mountain and ate my sandals. Can your dog swim up the river to register in the log-rolling competition?” “I’m terribly sorry, but I don’t speak Sparkish.” “Oh, the flower basket is all mine.”

…us coupon code. Ohhh. Because one day, probably around the 4th of July, someone saw an orb of sparks on a stick and thought, “I like that. I mean, I really like that. I must purchase a web domain paying tribute to an iconic toy store to ensure that others can experience this joy in just 5 to 7 business days!” We’re pretty sure that’s exactly how the whole thing went down.

…made of. We’d say mostly fairy dust and courage. Plus a dash of dreams, and several cups of Benedict Cumberbatch fanfic.

…dangerous. Let the world be warned. If the pen is mightier than the sword, then consider yourselves level ten Samurai smashers.

What's your favorite weird Google suggestion?

Topics: Life
Tags: google, sparklers, funny things, chuck norris, mysteries of the internet, fun with internets

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About the Author
Bo Larkin

Based out of Chicago, Bo Larkin, aka Bryan Albert, makes a living as a writer and musician. Bryan comprises half of the cabaret/art song duo "Lovers' Quarrel" and is a guitar teacher and ensemble coach at Sherwood at Columbia College and Southport Performing Arts Conservatory. Check him out at Chicagoguitarist.com and @bogitano

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.