WHERE IN THE WORLD IS KATY PERRY?
The story as we know it: Katy Perry broke up with John Mayer and was immediately like, “Peace! I gotta bounce!” and ran off to an unknown location and disappeared forever. No one ever saw her again… or heard another high-pitched word… or got another eye-full of whip cream shot from a pert bosom. Awash in mourning, the world celebrated her art and legacy. Many “Perry Deniers” popped up, intent on finding the once so overly media-saturated star, but she stayed away and lived out the rest of her days on a tropical island with Tupac, Elvis, and the “Where’s the Beef?” lady from the mid '80s.
PSYCH! She retired and became a local newswoman in Australia.
DOUBLE PSYCH! She’s on tour and just did the weather for an Australian news station and is dating a koala.
TRIPLE PSYCH! Everything about the double psych is true except the koala (that is currently just a rumor).
Here is the delightful Miss KP delivering the weather Down Under:
TIGHT SHOT: PERRY NOT GIVING A QUACK ABOUT MAYER
SO MANY QUESTIONS:
- How cute is it when she says, “It’s going to rain in Hogwarts”?
- Surely she has a PR person or personal assistant that was like, “Hey, they’re going to want you to say five different city names, I’m going to say them to you now so you’ll know the correct way to pronounce them when we are live.” Right? I mean, someone on her team had to know to help her a little with that?
- Where do we get one of those wands?
- Who is that cutie koala and is it mandatory that every single television segment in Australia includes a shot of a koala, even if only for a second?
Moments after the program aired, a high-level TV executive heard Katy Perry say, “And if you didn’t understand all this, I’m sure you have an app on your phone” and he was like, “that’s a good point,” and quickly fired the current weatherman, Frank. Shocked and confused, Frank announced to Perry fans everywhere, “And if you can’t afford tickets to a live Katy Perry concert, I’m sure you can stream the album on Spotify” and KP fans were like, “that’s a good point,” and Katy was unable to sell a single ticket to a live concert ever again. She decided to retreat from the public spotlight forever. She set up a little hut on a tropical island and lived out the rest of her days in seclusion with Tupac, Elvis, and the “Where’s the Beef?” lady from the mid '80s.
EVERYTHING COMES FULL CIRCLE, PEOPLE.
[Meanwhile, somewhere in the contiguous states]
Would you like to see Katy Perry take on a full-time weather role delivering the forecast for Kernbree? Can we expect to see an Australiana-themed costume bra in the near future; if so, what would it feature? Answer in the comments.
[via The Vane]