Auntie SparkNotes: What if My Friends See Me Nude on the Internet?!

Auntie SparkNotes: What if My Friends See Me Nude on the Internet?!

Dear Auntie,
I messed up. Badly.

So recently I got on to chat roulette, and I went on there slightly tipsy (I know really, really stupid) and flashed someone random stranger *faceplam*. Well he definitely recorded it, because he showed me.

*slamming my face on my desk*.

I am really stupid I know, and I am freaking out now. I am taking comfort in the fact that there are much better nudes of much better looking woman on the internet so my stuff will probably get lost in there. I have no idea why I did that, but I know I'm not doing it again, I swear. I did have the foresight to not give any personal info and use a fake name, so I've got that going for me at least.

But what happens if people I know find this (my face was also recorded)? How should I deal with my friends/family/or just people I know if they find these semi-nude pics of me online? I just want to be prepared for the worst, and I need advice on that. And maybe some words of comfort?

Believe it or not, Sparkler, we can skip right over "Prepare for the worst" and go straight to "It's okay."

Because unless you are catastrophically unlucky, in a struck-by-lightning sort of way, the fact that you showed your boobs to this guy will forever be your secret.

It's not that flashing a stranger on Chatroulette is the least risky activity in the world; that's part of why people get such an exhibitionistic thrill from doing it. But that's the thing: people do get a thrill from doing this. Tons of people. Oodles of people. And as a result, the internet is absolutely awash in boobs, butts, wieners, and various other naked body parts, millions upon millions of them, floating together in the digital ether. The sea of online nudity is vast and infinite, and it's getting vaster and more infinite all the time.

So while this one particular dude might have gotten a kick out of your flashing him at the time—as well as out of frightening you with the knowledge that he'd made a recording of it—the thing that made it exciting to him, and to you, was the context in which it was happening. It was the thrill of an ordinary, law-abiding gal throw caution to the wind and show her bazongas to a random internet stranger. (And for him, the power trip of recording her without her consent. Not a very nice person, this guy.)

But without that context, without the excitement of being in that moment and the sense of something subversive and naughty happening, your bazongas just aren't going to be that interesting to the average person trolling for nudie pics online (unless there's something strange and remarkable about them that you haven't mentioned, like that one of them is green and has googly eyes on it.) Out of context, it'll be just another grainy, low-quality webcam shot of a random pair of breasts on an equally random person. Even the guy who took the video to begin with has probably moved on to other conquests by now.

Which makes the chances of anyone you know ever coming across it, let alone taking enough notice to realize it's you, about as slim as it gets.

But since you asked, in the extremely unlikely event that someone tells you they've seen your boobs on the internet, here's what you'll do: Act as if you've just been told a surprising, hilarious joke. Make the patented Taylor Swift OMG! face, laugh delightedly, and say, "Are you serious? That's so funny!"

This response works on two levels. First, it makes you seem totally confident and unconcerned—which in turn makes other people less likely to make a big deal about it. You can't shame a person who gleefully refuses to be embarrassed. (Dylan Sprouse did something similar when nude photos of him turned up online.) But secondly, you're also admitting nothing. And if there's any doubt as to whether the person in the video is actually you—and considering the amount of nudity out there, it's not unreasonable that a girl who looks a lot like you might have flashed her boobs, too, once upon a time—then nobody will ever be able to prove a thing, anyway.

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Topics: Life, Advice
Tags: auntie sparknotes, nudity, internet encounters, flashing, bazongas, chatroulette

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