NBK: (Sort of) Out & (Not Really) Proud
It has come to my attention that Sparklife has been devoid of NBK posts for quite some time. As an NBK sophomore in college, I decided to fill this void.
It's been less than a month since I completely came out to myself. I've been wishy-washy since summer, thinking I was bi or panromantic or asexual. As of now, only two people off the internet know: my mom and my counselor. I've also started the process of coming out to someone in band before I explode.
Now for some Q&A, which means that I'm writing what I want to answer.
What's up with the name?
NBK stands for Never Been Kissed. SoO&NRP is too long, so I'll just call this O&P for the sake of my typing fingers. Sort of out is because I've told a couple people and I'm working on subtle signs so other people will guess on their own, and not really proud is because I've been having some moral issues with my orientation and because my dad's side of the family will probably disown me.
What exactly is your orientation?
That's an excellent question. Right now I'm identifying as homoromantic gray-asexual/demi-pansexual, which basically means I can't make up my mind. Let me break it down for you.
Homoromantic: I experience romantic attraction only towards girls.
Gray-asexual: Sexual attraction is very, very rare, possibly as a side effect of medication I'm taking so Mother Nature doesn't try to kill me every month.
Demi-sexual: However, I have felt hints of sexual attraction after forming an emotional relationship.
Pansexual: And I've felt it for all genders. (Well, specifically, I got butterflies once when dancing with my male prom date, but being near girls I like gives me the warm fuzzies.)
So, how did you figure all that out?
Slowly. I first came out as panromantic asexual, got in a relationship, and basically rethought my life. Being pansexual means that I notice guys who are attractive and tend to swoon over redheads, but since I feel no romantic attraction, it would be next to impossible to have a relationship with a guy. However, being able to notice guys in that light made it easy for me to fake crushes all throughout high school. Looking back, I realize I "got over" these guys way too easily but would cry for hours over being hurt by a girl I liked. I also noticed I could only focus on wanting one strong friendship at a time. I thought this was from years of loneliness in elementary school, but now I realize it was crushes and I was just blinding myself to it. As for the gray-ace confusion, I remember feeling sexual attraction towards girls before I went on the medication, but I stifled it because I knew it was wrong. Now that I'm not stifling it, I have noticed some of those types of feelings towards girls, but they are fleeting.
How are you expecting to lose your NBK status?
I've been through one breakup and it wasn't fun, so I kind of want to avoid that. I have this unrealistic expectation of marrying the first girl I date. I'm hoping to find a nerdy, playful, Christ-centered relationship. Then marry her and adopt kids. I'm a tomboy, so my ideal romantic date is having a picnic on the top of a mountain then snuggling on the couch and watching Doctor Who, Sherlock, LoTR, or something else wonderfully geeky.
Wait...Christ-centered? Doesn't the Bible condemn same-sex relationships?
Way to bring up my moral compunctions, self. Yes, the Bible condemns it, but the Bible also condemns women who don't cover their hair, men with long hair, eating pork, wearing mixed fabrics, and talking to women when Mother Nature visits. A lot of these things are culturally-related, or contextual, like one verse in 1 Timothy that says to drink more wine (which is directed at the recipient of the letter). Also, the verses that relate to homosexuality have a lot of translational controversy. For more information, check out the Gay Christian Network; they're much more qualified to explain it than I am.
What is the purpose of this blog?
So I can vent about my inability to find love because every girl I've ever liked has been straight.
Questions? Leave them in the comments and I'll answer them when I'm not drowning in homework.
Originally published on February 17, 2014.