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A Few Thoughts On Katy Perry's "Dark Horse" Music Video

A Few Thoughts On Katy Perry's

By Chelsea Dagger

Before we delve into my enormously profound musings on this cinematic masterwork, let's all get on the same page by watching the video:

WELL, THAT SURE WAS...SOMETHING.

I know that right now your mind is racing with questions like "HUH?!" and "WHY?!" and also "HIBBIDY-DIBBIDY-WHAAAAAA?" so I'll dive right into my observations, which contain no answers, and will likely only make everything more confusing.

1. I do not think that Memphis, Egypt is a real place. GOOGLE, CAN WE GET A CONFIRMATION ON THAT?

2. I STAND CORRECTED. 

3. Do you guys think I should bleach my hair, get an angular bob, and then spray-paint designs onto the sides? TOO LATE, ALREADY DID IT.

4. Those blue dudes are giving me nightmare flashbacks to The Mummy, a movie I found truly terrifying. (Though I did enjoy all the witty banter between Brendan Frasier and that guy who played Rachel Weisz's brother!!)

5. HOLD UP: Are the blue dudes wearing HIGH-TOP SNEAKERS?!? Damn straight they are.

6. I'M SICK OF LOOKING AT KATY'S PROFILE TALK-SINGING ON THIS SLOW-MOVING BOAT.

7. WHY IS EVERYONE WEARING CAT HEADS.

6. Weaksauce on the giant diamond, Eye-Patch. Anyone who's put in more than 4 hours in a gemstone mine would know that's a fake.

6. It seems like Katy has turned Eye Patch into sand. I shall miss his smile.

7. And nowwwww she's eating his eye. Because why wouldn't she.

8. There are cupcakes and twinkies on that tray! Ancient Egypt's 'zert game was on POINT.

9. This guy just looks ridiculous. That hat is doing nothing for his face.

10. SORRY BRAH, YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET SANDED.

11. Called it.

12. Now this dude's got some moves. Plus his chariot has hydraulics. (I'm subtracting points for historical inaccuracy.)

13. AWWWW SHHHEEEET, HE JUST GOT TURNED INTO SASSY DICE!

14. This music video is rapidly devolving into a friendly fire disaster. Don't even get me started on the gold alligator person.

15. IS THAT BOO, THE WORLD'S CUTEST DOG?!? WHY ARE YOU SENDING HIM AWAY?!

16. Now there is pole dancing? And pyramid climbing? THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH QUESTION MARKS IN THE WORLD???

17. There is about 80% more hip-hop dancing in Ancient Egypt than I was expecting.

18. WHAT?! THAT'S THE ENDING?! THE PRINCE TURNS INTO A DOG?! This is as disappointing as that time I ate an entire croissant thinking there was chocolate inside, but there wasn't. Actually it's more disappointing, because at least that time I got a croissant.

What are your thoughts on this vid? I'll admit that I lurved Katy's fierce eyeliner, but the rest didn't really do it for me. 

Topics: Life, Celebs & Stuff
Tags: katy perry, funny things, music videos, new music, celebs, funny lists, celebs we love

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About the Author
Chelsea Dagger

Since 2010, Chelsea Dagger (known in real life as Chelsea Aaron) has been SparkLife's sweatiest editor. She's currently working on a how-to-kiss guide for teens, and when she's not conducting smooch-related research on her life-size Joseph Gordon-Levitt cardboard cutout, she's eating pancakes, stocking up on industrial-strength deodorant, and destroying everyone at Harry Potter trivia. (EXPECTO PATRONUM!)

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.