5 Surefire Ways to Improve the Winter Olympics
The 2014 Winter Olympics are almost over, and controversies involving orcas, stray dogs, yogurt, and contaminated water have taken a back seat to more important issues, like whether ice dancing couples do, in fact, like each other as more than just friends. With the athletes (including Meryl Davis) getting upstaged by Meryl Davis’s makeup artist, and Bob Costas’ eyes getting as much coverage as curling, we think it’s time to make some exciting changes to the Winter Olympics themselves, in an effort to remind the viewers at home that it's the athletics that count. Here are our suggestions for spicing up the Winter Olympics in 2018:
Ice Dance Fencing. Personally, we still kinda think ice dancing is a cool underground dance club thing, best paired with cosmic bowling. With its ambiguous scoring system, ice dancing is hard to get too competitive about, which is why they should consider the most tried-and-trued route to instant excitement: give everyone swords. New "ice dance fencing" events include singles dueling, couples épee, and last-person-standing Battle Royale.
Ice Painting. If dancing is an ice form, but dancing on skates is a sport, we must therefore conclude that ice skates possess mystical, transformative powers. While oil paintings are impressive, imagine learning that Picasso was actually on skates when he painted The Old Guitarist: what an athlete! Ice painting consists of a two-person team: ice painter and easel jockey. The two-minute short program showcases the painter’s quick sketching ability, while the two-hour long program—uh, might be horribly boring.
Snow Rodeo. A rodeo pits cowboy against beast in a contest showcasing brute strength and fearlessness. If that doesn’t pique your interest, then it’s probably because you're too busy jetpacking off the summit of Mount St. Helens. But wait, there’s more: snow rodeos takes place in extreme wintry conditions, adding an element of additional pain and slapstick humor. Before, the contestant was gored by an angry bull. Now, he or she is gored by an angry bull, then slips and falls while trying to run for their life. Hilarious!
Guns 'n' Skis. Improbable? Perhaps. But while we’re dreaming, let’s give skiers guns. Sorry, that’s just ridiculous. We like to get a little silly around here. What’s that, you say? A biathlon is what?
Paintball Biathlon. Every time the Winter Olympics come around, two things pop into our heads: 1) How did the biathlon become an Olympic sport, and 2) Where do we sign up? Weaponized sports are cool by definition, but cross country skiing is about as exciting as your dad's day at work (unless you're Sasha or Malia Obama. Hi, Sasha and Malia!). We propose the entrants carry two guns for this event: a rifle for the shooting segments, and a paintball gun to spice up the not-shooting-guns part. News cameras are fair game for paintballs!
What rule changes/sport hybrids/new events would you like to see at the next Winter Olympics?