Velcome to My Blogging of Vampire Academy: Part 1
Dear diary, here I am about to embark on a journey through the mid-weight pages of Richelle Mead's Vampire Academy, reading aloud as I type on my computer screen, Ed Sheeran playing softly in the background. I will be bringing the Sparklers and Manklers of SparkLife with me on this epic journey, which will proceed like The Lord of the Rings, if the hobbits were allowed to shower and return home for a good meal every once in a while. That is to say, it will be epic, but I will also be eating near-constantly in a comfortable hovel while reading and writing about Vampire Academy.
The Sparklecademy should know a few things before I step deeper into the woods. First, I am a guy, but a guy who loved The Hunger Games and Sense and Sensibility. (Okay, that's half a lie. I want you Sparklers to like me.) Thus, I will be bringing my Mankler (Manklogger?) perspective ("manspective") to any incidences of kissing in the book. Second, I will make fun of this book any chance I get. I understand that there are fans of the Vampire Academy books series and I am sure you are all wonderful people, but if this book gets silly I'm going mention it. Third, as the universal rules of online diarizing of popular fiction state, THERE WILL BE SPOILERS. If you haven't read the books yet yourself go ahead and buy a copy and read along with me. If you are a fan of the series and want to slap me with your customary salmons, please do so in the comments section, also known as Retribution Alley. Fourth, this series has taken longer to start because I thought this was part of the Vampire Diaries series. Boy was I wrong. What I DO KNOW is that Vampire Academy is now a movie, and it is about vampires going to school. (EVERYONE NEEDS AN EDUCATION, EVEN VAMPIRES.)
And now, I crack open the spine, put on my velvet pants (yes?) and begin reading...
The book opens with our narrator, Rose, experiencing the nightmare of her friend sleeping next to her. As Rose awakens, we learn that she was experiencing the dreams of her vampire BFF, Lissa Dragomir, who either has an extra S because she's regal or because Rose has a lisp. As Rose consoles Lissa, their house cat hisses at her since we all know animals hate Dhampirs (half human/ half vampire) right? Lisss is pale and weak so Rose offers her a bite of her neck... It's only page 3 and already we have two college girls about to neck in bed. I may like this book after all.
After Lissssa gets her fill, she stumbles off to the kitchen, allowing Rose to recover from the buzz she got from vampire feeding. She describes it as better than weed or booze, which makes me fear that vampire saliva might be the new gateway drug to harder paranormal addictions, like mummy licking. Anyways, Rose gets up to look outside and sees a creepy dude staring at them through the window! But it's not just any Peeping Tom. Someone has been sent to find them!
Rose runs downstairs to grab Lisssssa, who is getting food from the fridge with their human roommate, Jeremy, who must wonder why Lissa never goes out during the day. Rose explains that they need to get the F out of there, so Lisssa uses her vampire powers of persuasion to make Jeremy lend them his car. I wonder if he notices that he's being mind controlled all the time as he's doing the dishes every night.
Lissa and Rose book it down the street, with whomever was watching them in "hot" pursuit. I say that because they are eventually apprehended by a HOT Russian boy named Dimitri Belikov, who was sent to bring Lissa back to Vampire Academy. Dimitri notices the bite marks on Rose's neck, which is like a vampire hickey, and decides to take them both. OH, and we find out that Rose doesn't lisp—rather Lissa is a vampire princess. She's mad important, yo.
Now Rose and Lissa's are on a plane back to Vampire Academy. There are several other guardians there, as well as the hunky hunk, Dimitri, who has several Molnija tattoos on his neck symbolizing all the Strigoi he killed. (Whatever happened to the tear drop?) We find out that Lissa is a Moroi, a pure vampire and that Dhampirs are trained to be the guardians for them. Unfortunately, Rose isn't a very good one or they would not be handcuffed on a plane right now. The plane lands and they drive up to the Gothic Castle that is Vladamir Academy. All the windows are tinted to keep extra sunlight out, so Vampire Academy kinda looks like my cousin's 1997 Honda Civic.
They are led through to Head Mistress Kirova's office and along the way we get to see some of the other students, who are eating breakfast, which I assume are deviled eggs, at five at night. There's Camille Conta, the popular vamp in school, Natalie, Lissa's cousin with a surprising normal name, and Aaron, who still has a mad crush on Lissa. His new girlfriend, who is described as an 11-year-old porcelain doll, stares daggers into Lissa as she walks by. Also there is a unnecessary joke about Aaron being a pedophile here in the book so.... moving on.
Rose and Lisssssssa reach the Head Mistresses' office, where we meet some more important characters. There's Prince Victor Dashov, Lissa's uncle, who suffers from some vampire disease, and Alberta, the captain of the Guardians. Head Mistress Kirova wastes no time laying into them, saying how horrible it was for them to escape and how Lissa has a responsibility to stay protected withing the academy walls since she is in line for the Dragomir throne. Apparently, there are evil vampires out there known as Strigoi (sounds delish) who want to kill the Moroi (good vampires) and kill off the Dragomir blood line. Okay, seems legit. Kivora is pissed, especially at Rose, and threatens to send her away. Rose protests, saying she doesn't want to be sent away to become some "Blood Whore." Wow, I don't know what that is but you will surely catch a STD doing it.
At this point, Dimitri, who was leaning against the wall acting all hot, mentions that Lissa and Rose share a psychic bond, something that hasn't happened in centuries and that Rose should stay and be trained. Kirova acquiesces, but under one condition. That Dimitri be personally responsible for Rose's training. OH LA LA! It looks like the girls are back at Vampire Academy, with a hot new teacher.
PREDICTIONS FOR CHAPTERS 3 & 4
Rose will continue to be a prickly pear, with Dimitri finding her annoying yet cute in a strange way. Lissa will have difficultly fitting back in with the other students and we hopefully we will have another necking session.
Are you reading along with me, Sparkcademy?!