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Why Does V Day Have to Be All Pink? An Argument for Yellow.

Why Does V Day Have to Be All Pink? An Argument for Yellow.

By Brandon Specktor

Gather 'round for story time, Sparklers. In second grade, my favorite Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger was Kimberly, the pink ranger. I liked her because she was the only one who seemed to have a personality when everyone’s faces were obscured by identical masks, plus she used a cool bow like a ‘90s Katniss. My schoolmates did not accept this reasoning. I liked the "girl ranger” and was therefore, by their logic, “a girl.” In defiant shame, I grew a beard on the spot.

My point is, liking pink doesn’t make you girly, and not liking pink doesn’t mean you can grow a beard. But this is the story product marketers sell us, and the story many people believe, starting with that first congratulatory onesie before you’re even born—pink is for girls. And this is the same story they are selling us now, and every February, when card shops and cafes puke pink all over every wall and window: Valentine’s Day is for girls.

But the thing is, it’s not. Valentine’s Day is not for girls. It’s for everyone, dating or not.

For hundreds of years, St. Valentine’s Day has been a winter feast of love and chocolate, hosted when our cold bodies need it most. It is a day in which every human—male or female, single or betrothed—unites in the fact that we are all simply sick of this brutal, soul-twerking winter. It is an objectively delightful day. But the pink cartels won’t let us have it. A profusion of pink propaganda reduces a much-needed respite into just another “greeting card holiday,” designed, like most pink things for sale, “for girls.”  This, my friends, is WRONG.

I’d like to propose a solution. A new color to represent this classic holiday for what it truly is—a day of warmth. Looking into the sky, you will see there is only one answer:

Yellow. The visage of fire (the life-giver) and butter (the life-enhancer).

Yellow. The gender neutral, ethnically ambiguous glow of happy LEGO people.

Yellow… The rightful king.

Not instantly convinced? Well, as with any member of the visual spectrum, there’s more to yellow than meets the eye. So let’s take a quick look at why yellow truly is the heart of Valentine’s Day.

1. Yellow is a warmer color than pink

It just is. Look at it. That’s science.

Yellow is the color of the sun, and the spring, and flowers in bloom, and when you gaze longingly into it, that’s how it makes your soul feel. Happy. Warm.

Pink is the color of raw meat and Pepto Bismol.

What would you rather surround yourself in while trudging through this cold, bleak winter? A cozy flower parka, or a frozen buttock of ham? Next.

2. Yellow things make better gifts

Think about it. All the best things in the world are yellow—like oranges, and gold.

Other significant yellow things include: Highlighters. Bananas. Spongebob Squarepants. Baby chickens. Baby humans dressed as chickens. Wellies. Mac and cheese. Every other cheese. Twinkie omelets. Corn (popped). Corn (unpopped). Rubber duckies. Actual duckies. Several birds. Half a bee. A yellow submarine. The list goes on and on and on. Try to name every good yellow thing, and you will go pink with hyperventilation. Finally:

3. Yellow is simply a better word

Don’t believe it? Say it out loud: “yellow.”

Yeah…that’s it…Yellow!!!

Now, sloooooowwwwwly: YYYEEELLLLLLOOOWWW… Just let that double-L linger between your tongue and the roof of your mouth like a peanut-buttery boyfriend. Slowly exhale the OOOOWWWW…pretend each syllable is a deep tissue massage from the chubbiest, happiest Swedish mistress you’ve ever imagined…YELLOOOOWWWW… probably her name is Wilma…YELLOOOOWWWW… she smells like biscuits...

It's a greeting, it's a farewell.

You see how even a simple word can take you somewhere? For comparison, “pink” just sounds like a mix of “pickle” and “stink.” Take your pick.

Perhaps yellow and pink can coexist peacefully on dad’s Easter tie, but not on Valentine’s Day, not anymore. Like a giant magnet at the robot rally, pink is just too polarizing. And it’s not right for the world right now. Valentine’s Day is a brilliant flash of love and sugar in the middle of darkest, bleakest winter. The world needs sunshine; not picklestink.

**END NATIONAL ADDRESS**

What do you think about pink co-opting Valentine's Day?

Topics: Life, Valentine's Day
Tags: equality, rants, issues of the day, social issues, mundane things, public addresses

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About the Author
Brandon Specktor

For 22 years, Brandon was a fat kid living in Tucson, AZ, which gave him lots and lots of time to write. He now works at a magazine in New York City, but still loves writing almost as much as he loves muffins.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.