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The Friday Awards: Better Than Valentines

The Friday Awards: Better Than Valentines

By Abbey Clarke

Move over, St. Valentine: Friday is here. Whether or not you snugglebunnies are lucky enough have a fellow snugglebun to snog, Friawards trump valentines, cause while Valentine’s Day comes but once a year, this Friday took FOREVER to get here. Pardon our curmudgeonliness, but are we right that snow days are overrated if you already have snot and sneezes coming out the wazoo?

Anyhoosier, to guess this week's secret message, click here. If you require the assistance of clues, try looking here. Or even here.

First up, congrats to the brainy winners who correctly guessed last week's secret message, which was library of chocolate.

The Puppy Love Award goes to timey_wimey_stuff for this post on the Olympian puppy rescuer post:

...When you say "give him a medal", you mean wife him, right?

...Husband him? I'm not certain what the female-male version of that would be...

The Here’s a Bagel, Dear Award goes to GallagherGirl11 for this comment on the V-Day pickup lines post:

That Flowers for Algernon one almost made me bust out crying THAT BOOK WAS VERY EMOTIONAL, also I want a bagel and when I want a bagel and can't have one everything just seems so much worse

The Cartoon Good Taste Award goes to tophfan for this comment on an Ask Jono post:

Wait, you're saying teenagers aren't allowed to date cartoons in MOST states? Which states, may I ask, am I allowed to date cartoons? Because about 99.73% of my crushes are cartoon characters.

The Greek Sex Ed Lesson Award goes to CynfullyDelicious for this comment on an Auntie SparkNotes post:

The idea that girls aren't supposed to enjoy the HND is such crap. Heck, there's an ancient Greek myth that actually revolves around the issue:

Tiresias, a prophet, ticks off Hera by pestering two HNDing snakes, so she turns him into a woman for seven years. After seven years s/he sees two more snakes and this time leaves them alone, and in return is made a man again. Well, a few years later Hera and Zeus are having a fight over who's having a better time in the sack, so they call Tiresias over and ask. Tiresias replies "Of ten parts a man enjoys one only." Hera blinds him for revealing women's secret, as she had been trying to keep the truth from Zeus the entire argument. However, for his honesty Zeus grants him the gift of second sight.

The Devil Is in The Details Award goes to Imamouse_squeak for this comment on the candy hearts post:

I'd like to ask if anyone actually likes candy hearts?

I've always found them to be terrible. I feel like giving this to someone is like giving them socks for Christmas, and not cute fun colorful socks with animal prints or patterns those are always welcome but gray socks that are floppy and sad looking that you would use to wipe something down with and never let near your feet. That got detailed fast didn't it?

The Hell Yeah Award goes to CrepuscularSnidget for this comment on the craziest town name post:

Fun fact: There's more people in Hell than in Paradise.

I've been to both Hell and Paradise. Hell was named because when they asked its founder what it should be named, he said, "They can name it Hell for all I care." So they did. Also, Hell froze over this winter.

Toodle-oo, Sparklers! See you next week!

Topics: The Internets
Tags: valentine's day, sparkler, the friday awards, friday, things we love, friawards

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About the Author
Abbey Clarke

Abbey Clarke is a writer and editorial assistant living in Jersey City. She's a player on a D&D podcast called Knife Errant, wrote her senior thesis on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and is working on a novel about a semi-reformed demon who runs a library. You can follow her on Twitter at @abbeybookaholic.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.