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16 Creepy V-Day Gifts Only April Ludgate Would Love

16 Creepy V-Day Gifts Only April Ludgate Would Love

By Chrissie Gruebel

Wanna get weird for a second? Let’s forget about all the teddy bears and flowers and mini Snickers and heart-shaped breadsticks that the “normal” “store-bought” (and let’s face it—“vanilla”) Valentine’s Day fairy leaves under your pillow. What if instead of all that…things got…dark? And someone gave you all the stuff we’ve conveniently listed below? You’d probably think you were about to get your skin worn as a kimono. So read on, and scare yourself a little. After all, you might be single or entangled in an “it’s complicated” situation, but it could always be worse: you could be receiving a bag of dead leaves from Orin. Or one of these horrible gifts:

1. A bunch of poems that don’t rhyme and are kinda aggressive (and seem to be written in blood, although it can’t be confirmed).

Roses are red, violets are blue
You should smile more often.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou shouldn’t wear a bikini because your skin is sensitive.

How do I love thee?
Turn around and I’ll whisper the ways into your ear (because I’m right behind you).

Love is patient
Love is kind
But you still shouldn’t have cut your hair.

2. A bag of human teeth because you once said you hated your braces.

3. A sweater made out of locks of your suitor’s hair.

4. A rare acoustic guitar signed by your favorite musician—who, incidentally, has not come out of hiding since 1996.
(Awww, you might be thinking this is cute. But stop right now. This guitar probably cost like a million dollars. AND this musician has been missing for YEARS!)

5.  A 36-page manifesto about your nail art and how all women should have nail art just like you. You’re mentioned by name in the first paragraph, but after that, you’re referred to as “The Only One”.

6.  A shoebox filled with pictures of you as a small child that no one in the family remembers taking.

7.  An oil painting of you sleeping. Everything in your room is rendered exactly as it is in real life. You’ve been painted wearing the PJ’s you wore the night prior, as well as the Heart of the Ocean.

8.  A family photo album of you + your Valentine’s creeper + baby pictures he morphed of the two of you + a bunch of onesies.

9.  Customized conversation hearts that all say "Moist.”

10.  A flash mob dance to “What Makes You Beautiful” in your local mall. All dancers are wearing masks of your face.

11.  The pieces of leftover cast from when you broke your arm in fourth grade.

12.  A jar of bees…for reasons unknown.

13.  A life-sized version of you made out of Funfetti cake.

14.  A stack of homemade coupons that entitle you to “treats” such as:
• 50 free “lap sits”
• A year’s supply of cured meats
• One parade thrown in your honor per month
• A blood oath to worship you for all eternity
• Unlimited acts of revenge, no questions asked

15.  Side-by-side cemetery plots.

16.  A diorama of what your bones and insides probably look like. Made of glitter.

What's the creepiest gift you've ever received?

Topics: Life
Tags: holidays, valentine's day, gifts, horrible things, awkward situations, lists, funny things, bad gifts

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About the Author
Chrissie Gruebel

Chrissie Gruebel is a bunch of things separated by commas, but more often than not, she’s a writer, comedian, and wearer of too many colors at once. Here she is on Twitter: @chrissiegruebel.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.