How to Be Famous By 2015
So you wanna be famous, but you just can't wait all that pesky time it usually takes to earn it. Fear not! We're going to get you famous by the time that fancy ball drops in on 2015. What's that you say? It's can't be done? We can't believe you're doubting us! So hurtful.
1. Invent the next exercise craze
If you're telling us that you've never seen—or at least heard of—Prancercising, we're going to throw our laptops out the window. Sure, it took that lady a little longer than a year to be discovered, but they didn't have the internets way back then! You have ALL the internets, and the world is waiting for your genius. How about spe-funking (dancing like a cave explorer)? No? Maybe not? Well you figure it out, you're the one who wants to be famous.
2. Dress up that pup
We say pup, but really, this could go for any pet. People LOVE it when you dress up animals like humans! Put that hamster in a top hat! Give your pony a onsie! If you can do it without getting scratched to death, might I suggest a cat with a monocle! NOW TAKE ALL THE PICTURES AND POST THEM ON THE INTERWEBS. Can you imagine being the mom or dad of the next Grumpy Cat? Look up how much Grumpy Cat makes per appearance. Compare that to your job at the movie theatre. Oh yeah. It's time to play dress up.
3. Finally tame Justin Bieber
Can you imagine if you were the one to finally give this bad boy—yes, BOY—the spanking he deserves? Perhaps you can succeed where Selena failed. Justin's neighbors would idolize you: finally a drag-race, egg-throwing free neighborhood! They'd probably name a street after you. Sure you might realize you're better than the Biebs and dump him eventually, but a street named after you is FOREVER.
4. Become Kimye's nannie
Why are you running away? Come back! Just hear us out! OK, Kim and Kanye are kinda bonkers, but think about it this way: You're almost NEVER going to actually have to deal with them personally. They pay people just to deal with their people. Get it? The important thing is YOU WOULD BECOME NORTH WEST'S BEST FRIEND. Do we hear another reality show spinoff starring you? You bet your big bottom dollar.
5. Invent a calorie-free pizza
Science is complicated. We're not going to worry about metabolic rates and things HERE, we just know that the entire world be forever in your gratitude if you could somehow figure out a way that we could all eat pizza every night without gaining a million pounds. SURE we like salads every now and again but WHO AM WE KIDDING THIS IS PIZZA WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. The idea is free, but fame will cost you.
6. Create a fourth Hobbit film
Sure, there are already going to be three of these three-hour-long babies, but let's be honest: If you can make nine hours of film out of 276 pages, you can make 12 hours of film out of 276 pages. The original plot is beside the point. Have fun getting RIZZICH!
7. Become BFFs with Jennifer Lawrence
Ahhh Jennifer Lawrence. We love Jennifer Lawrence. You know who doesn't like Jennifer Lawrence. Terrorists, that's who doesn't love Jennifer Lawrence. She is America's sweetheart. Now imagine if she chose YOU as her BFF. The adventures you would have! The tomfoolery you would get into! America would be living out its greatest fantasy in YOU.
8. Streak at a major sporting event
We never said that fame would be easy. We also never said it would be a good idea. In fact, the stakes are high on this road to fame, not least because it can get you arrested. That said, it WOULD make you famous. Now this kind of fame would only last the predictable 15 minutes and you'd have to act fast to capitalize on it before it faded away.
9. Hire a skywriter and spell out "I love you back, Ryan G" over Los Angeles
Well well, look at you picking this particular path to fame that requires already having enough money to hire a skywriter... Fancy. Will people think you're stealing your idea from Shia LaBeouf? Doubtful! He'd would probably consider it "borrowing an idea" at this point. Ahem. I must say though, I can guarantee everyone will want to know who in the world is this girl that Ryan Gosling loves.
10. Upset Taylor Swift
You want to not just be famous now, but remembered for all time? Steal her man. Make her cry. This girl writes good songs when she is GOOD and upset. You could be the catalyst for one of Taylor's emotional breakdowns! We know, we know, we love Taylor too, but YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO BE FAMOUS. We all have to make sacrifices for what we want in life. This is the life you have chosen. Now go forth, my child. Bring on the tears.
Have you a get-famous-quick scheme up your sleeve?