6 Steps to Becoming the Golden Child
Maybe your older brother or sister came into the world first; they were the first ray of light to touch your parents' bewildered faces, and they've had longer to ingratiate themselves the almighty sperm and egg-givers. Perhaps your younger sibling is still wearing animal onesies and you CANNOT COMPETE ON THE CUTENESS RUBRIC. Luckily, there are other ways to become THE WINNING CHILD.
1. Get better gifts for their birthdays
Instead of phoning it in with gift cards and macaroni art, truly put in the effort to give a gift that'll make your parent's face glow brighter than Times Square. It may take a little research and you might feel weird poking around the scuba store for your dad, but it's totally worth it. You'll see what we mean on their birthday when your sibling gives your parent another Edible Arrangement, but you've given them a color-coordinated mask and flippers set.
2. Get a job
SPOILER ALERT: Your parents don't like giving you money. You wanna be your parents' favorite? Earn your own cash to pay for those goofy apps that turn you into a robot pirate mermaid dragon. And while you're at it, chip in on the NetFlix. You're the one getting the most mileage out of binge-watching Walking Dead.
3. Cover your ass
When the dog poops in the fridge (stranger things have happened), be sure to have your alibi ready: You walked Scooby in the morning, even though it wasn't your turn! Conversely, realize that sometimes a mess can bring you all down: Sibling rules like "whoever smells the dog poop first has to clean it up" represent a zero-sum game that results in you living side by side with—in honorary brotherhood with, you might say—poop. The nuances of sibling rules are lost on parents, and you're better off cleaning this up than arguing your case in front of the bench ("I emptied the dishwasher, so Jimmy was on poop duty").
4. Find a boyfriend or girlfriend who is "normal"
"Love me, love my friends"—a thing said by a delusional teen. Look, it's not that there is anything inherently wrong with dating a dude who drives a motorbike, but it can be difficult for parents to understand just why someone with negative gauge earrings turns your guts to squishy blobs of smiley-face hearts. They want to believe you're happy, and it is easier for them to believe that if your S.O. is able to converse with them like a Normal. This will make them happy, and hand you SIBLING DOMINATION.
5. Try to understand their point-of-view
Sometimes, to reach the top of the mountain, you have to make sacrifices, and acknowledge a wider point of view. When your parents go on and on about "that hokey pop music" causing damage to your ears, try nodding and dialing down the volume for a bit. You don't have to disown your love of fried Oreo's, Lady Gaga's fashion choices, and LMFAO, but showing that you understand that blaring dubstep from your room late at night has communal repercussions can make a big different in the Tournament of the Siblings Cup.
6. Tell them you love them
It's that easy. No, seriously, it is. You don’t believe us??? FINE. Why don't you go into the other room, right this second, and for no reason at all, tell your mom or dad you love them. Go ahead, we'll wait…
:::hums along to the theme from Adventure Time:::
See? Told ya.
Tips for winning over your parents once you're too big to be adored just because?