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A Eulogy for Texting

A Eulogy for Texting

By Ashley Brooke Roberts

Texting is dying, wroth the Guardian, shortly before the short-form message took its last earthly breath. At Texting’s wake early this week, a young girl walked on stage. Her thumbs red, her eyes squinty from hours staring at a screen, and her posture bent by a lifetime slumped over her phone, she took the podium and delivered a eulogy that can only be described as an emoji-sad-face x 100. Here are her words, recorded on that faithful day, the day no one texted back.

2B~not2B that is the ? I mean 4COL I thought we’d B 2gether 4EAE. Oh wait, is this an AFZ?

Ok, sorry, AIMB, I mean As I mentioned Before, I thought we were destined for each other.

The first time I was all “UG I don’t want to talk to this person, it’s going to take forever, why can’t they just tell me the party’s address without giving me a run down of who they think will be there, what they’re going to wear, and how they’ll act if Bethany shows up??” That was the day, sitting on my parent’s couch, that I watched the call go to Voice Mail.

Then, feeling like a wizard with a powerful spell, texted “Hey! @ the library, can’t talk. Did you find out where party is?” And guess what? They had. THEY KNEW WHERE THE PARTY WAS. And they were able to tell me in 40 words or less. I didn’t have to stay on the phone forever and ever looking for a way out of the convo and secretly worrying about radiation as I clutched the phone to my ear. No more! I’d seen the light and I was free.

We’d met before, but that was the day I knew Texting and I were going to have a LTR. I can’t help but think back on all the times you were there for me, like when I was actually at the library, or dinner with my parents, or that awful date with Todd. You saved the day!

But it’s not like we didn’t have our fights. Remember the time I kept wondering why Eric never texted me back, and then realized my text had never gone through because I had one bar of service? By the time it did send, he’d already made plans.

Or what about the time you autocorrected a word into a very foul word in a text to my Dad? He’d just learned how to use you and now you were cussing at him?

Or that time I accidentally meant to send a text to Brad about how annoying Stephen was being, but it went to Stephen instead?

Oh man, those were some sticky situations, but we found a way out! The two of us, we always managed to work it out, even if it meant you had to take the fall for it.

I can’t count the times I typed “SOZ texting on my phone is being weird.” And you let me do that! You always took one for the team, and I was filled with THX.

IJWTS that this was the best LTR I’ve ever had and I will LY4E.

10Q 4 all the LOLs. BRB, JK, 143

Are you a texter, or have you gone the way of IM and Snapchat? 

[via the Guardian]

Topics: Life
Tags: technology, texting, trends, social media, socializing, instant messenging

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About the Author
Ashley Brooke Roberts

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor living in Brooklyn. She's a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and can usually be found smiling at random dogs on the street. Follow her on twitter at @AshleyBRoberts.

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